While most of you are going to pledge to quit smoking (already did) or lose some weight (I’m fat because I quit smoking), I decided to do it differently in 2014 and resolve to accomplish things that I actually might stick to past February. My first one is in the title. I think saying “New Year’s” resolutions is incorrect because they are mine, not the year’s. How could a year resolve to do anything? If I’m incorrect, I don’t care (that’s my second resolution). Anyway, if you like any of these then let’s pledge to do them together.
Thank you to everyone who has checked out this dumb little blog, Covered in Beer. There has been a great increase in traffic this week. I’m glad to see most people liked what they read. Please don’t forget to check out my page Funk Music Friday. Hopefully, there will be some music there that you can discover or rediscover such as the Ohio Players, “Who’d She Coo?”:
Christmas party season means only one thing: it’s time to suck in that gut and test the strength of the button on those green corduroy slacks for one more year. People have mixed feelings about Christmas parties. Whether you love them or hate them, these tips will ensure you make it out alive.
What are you doing?
Ahh, the eternal question people ask you every year. What are you doing with yourself these days? Of course, if we had any sort of relationship throughout the year you should know, but since we only see each other at these parties, this question is a good icebreaker. Make sure you are armed with appropriate responses that don’t require follow up questions like, “I opened a Mormon Tabernacle choir for cats,” or, “I interpret subliminal messages printed in the opinion section of the New York Times.” Answer like this and people will be excusing themselves to refill on wassail faster than you can explain how you get the cats to sing. People don’t ask you this question because they care, they ask you this in order to see how the people in their sorry ass lives measure up to you. This year is going to be particularly fun for me because I’m unemployed and writing this blog. Most people don’t know about blogging so I will be able to fill the BS meter to capacity. My point here is not to make light of unemployment because millions of people are suffering in this country; but maybe you can brighten your day by making up some absurd answer to this question and watch people’s reaction?
The “Holiday Stupids” are the people and things that I like to mock during this otherwise wonderful time of year. I do love the holidays, but they also bring forth a certain type of imbecile that can’t help but to inject themselves into our happy holiday celebrations. I’d like to describe some of these people for you in an effort to expose their atrocities and end their reign of terror.
Dos and Don’ts
Throughout the Internet, annoying posters are writing “Dos and Don’ts” lists for various holiday traditions like office parties and gift giving. If Mork popped out of his intergalactic egg just in time for his first Christmas, then he may need these lists but the rest of us could do without. (The word “dos” doesn’t need an apostrophe by the way; most of these idiot authors make that mistake) They include things like, “don’t drink too much” and “don’t sexually harass your co-workers.” So you’re saying the drunken make out session on the copier is out, Copernicus? The people I feel sorry for are the poor saps writing this filth. They are probably some repressed HR director who think us dumb-ass sheep need these reminders. Hey, Biff, have a drink and lighten up.