The “Holiday Stupids” are the people and things that I like to mock during this otherwise wonderful time of year. I do love the holidays, but they also bring forth a certain type of imbecile that can’t help but to inject themselves into our happy holiday celebrations. I’d like to describe some of these people for you in an effort to expose their atrocities and end their reign of terror.
Dos and Don’ts
Throughout the Internet, annoying posters are writing “Dos and Don’ts” lists for various holiday traditions like office parties and gift giving. If Mork popped out of his intergalactic egg just in time for his first Christmas, then he may need these lists but the rest of us could do without. (The word “dos” doesn’t need an apostrophe by the way; most of these idiot authors make that mistake) They include things like, “don’t drink too much” and “don’t sexually harass your co-workers.” So you’re saying the drunken make out session on the copier is out, Copernicus? The people I feel sorry for are the poor saps writing this filth. They are probably some repressed HR director who think us dumb-ass sheep need these reminders. Hey, Biff, have a drink and lighten up.
The Letter Writers
I like flipping through Christmas cards this time of year. But some people mail you things that would make Narcissus blush. These people are the ones who write you the dreaded “holiday letter” that recounts all the great things their loser family has accomplished this past year. Interestingly, these letters never include the words “bail,” “parole” or “I finally paid off my gambling debt.” No, these saccharin exaltations only mention the good, like “Charlie learned how to stain his own leather chaps for our horseback tour of Montana this year.” These letters probably shouldn’t annoy me so much but they are intrusive. If we liked you people, then we would probably know these things from our interaction. You are forcing this information onto us regardless of our desire to hear it. I guess these folks think that we are sitting by a crackling fire, eggnog in hand, reading about “Suzie’s basket weaving at summer camp and that black toenail that finally fell off,” but we are not. At best, we are reading the letter with rolling eyes then tucking this garbage underneath all the other people’s mailings that had the good sense just to send us a picture.
Stay Healthy Holidays
The holidays are a time when we typically overindulge in food and drink and that’s ok. The Internet is teeming with tips on how to stay trim and fit during this time of year. Let me sum them up for you and save you some time: don’t eat too much and be sure to exercise. That’s not exactly something you need to spend four easy payments of $39.99 to figure out, is it? And while we are at it, if you are by the holiday buffet table, don’t start talking about how hard it is to stick with your diet when all this good food is around. Either stick to it or hush because I’m stuffing my face. I always ask for a new pair of pants for Christmas, that way, when I blow the button off my old pair from eating there’s a shiny new pair waiting for me under the tree. So shut up healthy people; it’s cold, the food is good, there’s an open bar and I’m fat. Please leave me alone.
“I hate this time of year”
There is always a certain sect in this society that has to go against the grain and express their dislike for things that are popular. Their Christmas present to the rest of us should be silence. I know that stress can be high this time of year but I argue that is a personal problem. I love when people complain about the parties they are throwing or attending. Here’s an idea: don’t do it. Repeat after me, “we’d love to come, but I’m afraid Harold has gas.” You don’t have to go to every damn party and you certainly don’t have to throw one if you hate it. And yeah, there’s traffic, the mall is crowded, TV commercials are annoying, your relatives drink all your beer and the Mall Santa smells like cheese, but you can get over all of that. So stop saying you hate the holidays, it’s lame, cliché and you’re ruining it for the rest of us.
This year, make a pledge not to be an old poot. Sheath your middle finger while you’re in heavy traffic. Have another piece of pie. Use common sense so those dorks in HR have nothing to do. Tell folks about your summer vacation to the Ozarks only if asked to do so. And have a great holiday season.