The Holiday Stupids

The “Holiday Stupids” are the people and things that I like to mock during this otherwise wonderful time of year. I do love the holidays, but they also bring forth a certain type of imbecile that can’t help but to inject themselves into our happy holiday celebrations. I’d like to describe some of these people for you in an effort to expose their atrocities and end their reign of terror.

Dos and Don’ts

Throughout the Internet, annoying posters are writing “Dos and Don’ts” lists for various holiday traditions like office parties and gift giving. If Mork popped out of his intergalactic egg just in time for his first Christmas, then he may need these lists but the rest of us could do without. (The word “dos” doesn’t need an apostrophe by the way; most of these idiot authors make that mistake) They include things like, “don’t drink too much” and “don’t sexually harass your co-workers.” So you’re saying the drunken make out session on the copier is out, Copernicus? The people I feel sorry for are the poor saps writing this filth. They are probably some repressed HR director who think us dumb-ass sheep need these reminders. Hey, Biff, have a drink and lighten up.

The Letter Writers

I like flipping through Christmas cards this time of year. But some people mail you things that would make Narcissus blush. These people are the ones who write you the dreaded “holiday letter” that recounts all the great things their loser family has accomplished this past year. Interestingly, these letters never include the words “bail,” “parole” or “I finally paid off my gambling debt.” No, these saccharin exaltations only mention the good, like “Charlie learned how to stain his own leather chaps for our horseback tour of Montana this year.” These letters probably shouldn’t annoy me so much but they are intrusive. If we liked you people, then we would probably know these things from our interaction. You are forcing this information onto us regardless of our desire to hear it. I guess these folks think that we are sitting by a crackling fire, eggnog in hand, reading about “Suzie’s basket weaving at summer camp and that black toenail that finally fell off,” but we are not. At best, we are reading the letter with rolling eyes then tucking this garbage underneath all the other people’s mailings that had the good sense just to send us a picture.

Stay Healthy Holidays

Santa Claus Tipping the ScaleThe holidays are a time when we typically overindulge in food and drink and that’s ok. The Internet is teeming with tips on how to stay trim and fit during this time of year. Let me sum them up for you and save you some time: don’t eat too much and be sure to exercise. That’s not exactly something you need to spend four easy payments of $39.99 to figure out, is it? And while we are at it, if you are by the holiday buffet table, don’t start talking about how hard it is to stick with your diet when all this good food is around. Either stick to it or hush because I’m stuffing my face. I always ask for a new pair of pants for Christmas, that way, when I blow the button off my old pair from eating there’s a shiny new pair waiting for me under the tree. So shut up healthy people; it’s cold, the food is good, there’s an open bar and I’m fat. Please leave me alone.

“I hate this time of year”

61s1ckRNyuLThere is always a certain sect in this society that has to go against the grain and express their dislike for things that are popular. Their Christmas present to the rest of us should be silence. I know that stress can be high this time of year but I argue that is a personal problem. I love when people complain about the parties they are throwing or attending. Here’s an idea: don’t do it. Repeat after me, “we’d love to come, but I’m afraid Harold has gas.” You don’t have to go to every damn party and you certainly don’t have to throw one if you hate it. And yeah, there’s traffic, the mall is crowded, TV commercials are annoying, your relatives drink all your beer and the Mall Santa smells like cheese, but you can get over all of that. So stop saying you hate the holidays, it’s lame, cliché and you’re ruining it for the rest of us.

This year, make a pledge not to be an old poot. Sheath your middle finger while you’re in heavy traffic. Have another piece of pie. Use common sense so those dorks in HR have nothing to do. Tell folks about your summer vacation to the Ozarks only if asked to do so. And have a great holiday season.

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58 thoughts on “The Holiday Stupids

  1. Why do people think if they haven’t been in touch all year that a long, detailed, stultifyingly boring Family Letter at the solstice is going to mean something to us? If we didn’t care about each other all year, why would anyone care NOW? Fortunately, most people don’t actually mail anything anymore and there’s a legal limit to email messages with electronic cards. Yay!! There’s a tradition I’m happy to be done with.

  2. I hate the “healthy holidays” thing too. Last Christmas I was at a party where the guest who brought a veggie tray announced that the average person gains 6lbs in December and was thrilled to hear another guest respond proudly with, “we’re southern, so we’ll gain more.” Btw, I did a Christmas do/don’t list, but it was parody. I may of may not be an imbecile.

  3. Hey, Thanks for following me. Read your post, had me laughing out loud as I am in the process of opening up holiday cards, some with the newsletter. Good stuff, and spot on.

  4. Thanks for following. You are very funny! Refreshing humor. This is the first blog post I’ve read on wordpress, and I am not disappointed. I’ll have to go read your older posts, too.

  5. Love it! You tell ’em Thomas! Have another beer on me.
    Thanks for following my blog. I’m a happy camper now you are joining me as I trip around by RV, plane, car and time machine to the past. I have to wonder why you made that decision after I posted about horse manure.
    Comments, compliments, critiques and wisecracks are most welcome.
    “See” you again soon. Now following yoo!
    Which Way Now 101 aka Carol

  6. I wasnt aware of Some of these dos and donts! I’ve been doing them for years! :). Loved the post! How true…..people just like to complain, because is finally a season where they have something to talk about! 🙂

  7. thanks for the follow! found it soooo ironic after i read this one LOL… 😛 i do plan to indulge a little but i do NOT plan on complaining about the yummy food that i wont be eating, just shows signs of weakness.. hopefully i wont have that 🙂

  8. This made me laugh so hard. Especially the part about ‘bail / parole and debts’. I think we all know a family who leaves that stuff out while at the same time trying to make everyone believe they’re the 2nd coming of Mother Theresa. I’d almost welcome those crazy Christmas letters instead of having to read all that fakeness year round on Facebook.

  9. What a great refreshing post!! The long annual Christmas family letter I’ve learned to read with glazed eyes, I have started stocking up on chips and dips in case…but decided to start enjoying as well…it’s cold this time of year in Montreal and icy…I need the extra to protect my weary bones. Nice way to finish my late shift with a chuckle…thanks for visiting my blog as well. {smiles} Oliana

      • Well, I tend to talk and write too much but do not send out this ..,,my kids would have my head on a platter….I have plenty to say about me. But did need a wake up for being a bit grumpy with pressures of this time of year…I love the little sign language in the car…dear Lord, so many do it to me here in Quebec…we are crazy aggressive drivers…

  10. Thanks for following me Thomas. I love this, thank goodness I only get one holiday letter each year, and he does it in such a cool format (a funny multiple choice quiz) that I actually enjoy reading about their travels and such. I’m looking forward to perusing your blog, I like your style 🙂

  11. What annoys me to no end, is a guy I know who has to shout “Merry CHRISTMAS” in my face every time he sees me, to drive home the point that he does not say “Happy Holidays”. Whatever you feel say, but don’t yell it at me.
    Anyway, I enjoyed your post.

  12. Thank you for following the Master’s Slave. Love your blog. There is one girlfriend in our click group of hubby’s and wifey’s thing. I will call her Janet. Janet does that letter thing with the Christmas Card. Ugh…I love the family photo cards, but that typed letter, a whole page of bla, bla, bla, on plain paper. folded 6 times stuck in the Christmas card is punishment. Shit like her Husband Eric, improved his golf game. daughter taking singing lesson….puke. But I never knew why before now. hahahahh….Happy Holidays, Love~M

  13. Thanks for following philly unseen. I appreciate good humor when I see it. There’s not enough of it in the world. I enjoyed this post and I like the blog. I also hate letters but I have to say, the Christmas card photos are what fill me with the most dread.

  14. This had me laughing. I get posts on my fb page from a blessed cousin on how blessed we all are. Every. Fucking. Day. During the holidays. And that I should remember the reason for the season. Im gonna impale myself on her tree star.

  15. Thanks for following Alexia Jones. This post was great. I love your sense of humor. I have a friend who never answers emails, but will send out the end of the year update letter of all her sugar coated adventures. Sorry, if you don’t have time for me during the year, I don’t have time for your yearly update letter. These letters always bugged me, glad I’m not alone.

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