While most of you are going to pledge to quit smoking (already did) or lose some weight (I’m fat because I quit smoking), I decided to do it differently in 2014 and resolve to accomplish things that I actually might stick to past February. My first one is in the title. I think saying “New Year’s” resolutions is incorrect because they are mine, not the year’s. How could a year resolve to do anything? If I’m incorrect, I don’t care (that’s my second resolution). Anyway, if you like any of these then let’s pledge to do them together.
Eat Less Broccoli
I’m not averse to eating vegetables, I eat them all the time, but I’m tired of pretending I like broccoli because it’s good for me. In my family we eat broccoli straight up, not smothered in cheese or baked into a casserole. And let me tell you, it sucks. Children aren’t as dumb as they look; broccoli is a tasteless tiny bush that should be eliminated from our diet. Why else would people smother it in cheese? You don’t do that to peas, they are delicious.
Get a Maid More Often
I know maids can be expensive, but they are professionals. I’m like Morty in those Swiffer commercials, “I make dirt.” And if it can’t be swept into a dustpan or sucked into a vacuum, I don’t clean it. Maids do. So instead of living in filth, I’m going to employ the experts. My problem with having a maid in the house is I just can’t sit there while they clean, lifting my feet up so they can vacuum under them while I watch TV. I feel like a real worthless slob sitting around while they clean, which is why I don’t get them very often. One at a time, we can work on that worthless slob thing in 2015.
Buy More Underwear
Yesterday, I had a crisis. I ran out of boxers and it wasn’t even close to time to do a load of laundry. Luckily, Jos. A Bank will give you twenty pairs if you buy one so I refreshed my supply. Men wear underwear until it wears out, and because of my recent weight gain, I’ve been expediting the “wearing out” process. In fact, between the rips and the buttons flying off, my wardrobe has taken a beating this year. So next year I’m not going to let my boxer supply get out of hand. I resolve to buy one pair a month, that way I’ll be free and clear and shuffling around like Fred Astaire in the comfort of fresh draws.
Tell More People What I Think to Their Faces
Things like, “that perfume stinks” or “don’t worry, that baby will get cuter in a year” are coming out of my mouth in 2014. One at the top of the list will definitely be doing my best to shame people who break wind in crowds. Why do we sit there suffering? I’m calling you out crowd farter you better believe it. And if you have bad breath, plan on hearing about that too. In 2014, people need to know things, and I’m going to be the one to tell them.
Watch Less Garbage on TV
Not, “watch less TV,’ just less crap on TV like “Golf Rush” and “Storage Wars.” If you aren’t familiar with these two shows, don’t worry about it. “Gold Rush” is supposed to be about some guys who go out in search of life changing gold. In three damn seasons of mining, I’ve got more gold in my teeth than these goobers have found. “Storage Wars” is another scam. These people sure do find a bunch of priceless antiques in storage lockers amongst stained pillows and particleboard furniture. I guess the former owners decided to spend all their money on that one nice piece? Well, I’m going to find something better to do with my time this year than watch shows like this. Maybe I’ll watch stuff about Big Cats. I like Big Cats especially when they take down a water buffalo. I hate them.
Use More Coupons
I’m not talking about turning into Honey Boo Boo’s horrid mother who clips coupons for a living, but I’m going to stop throwing away those mailers. It’s not that I don’t like saving money, I just don’t like making the effort. And getting stuck behind people with 200 coupons in the grocery store is nightmarish. But it is also silly if a company is offering you a product for less money not to take them up on it. All you have to do is cut out this piece of paper and Boom!, yams 20 cents off. So I vow to pay less for my tubers and gherkins in 2014.
I hope that your list for 2014 might actually help humanity or the earth. But if not, join me in these New Year resolutions and make life a little better for maids and fresh underwear weavers.
In all seriousness, I hope you all have a happy and healthy 2014. Thanks for making Covered in Beer something for me to do.