Humor

New Year Resolutions

Thomas Cochran

images-3While most of you are going to pledge to quit smoking (already did) or lose some weight (I’m fat because I quit smoking), I decided to do it differently in 2014 and resolve to accomplish things that I actually might stick to past February. My first one is in the title. I think saying “New Year’s” resolutions is incorrect because they are mine, not the year’s. How could a year resolve to do anything? If I’m incorrect, I don’t care (that’s my second resolution). Anyway, if you like any of these then let’s pledge to do them together.

 Eat Less Broccoli

I’m not averse to eating vegetables, I eat them all the time, but I’m tired of pretending I like broccoli because it’s good for me. In my family we eat broccoli straight up, not smothered in cheese or baked into a casserole. And let me tell you, it sucks. Children aren’t as dumb as they look; broccoli is a tasteless tiny bush that should be eliminated from our diet. Why else would people smother it in cheese? You don’t do that to peas, they are delicious.

Get a Maid More Often

Morty-SwifferI know maids can be expensive, but they are professionals. I’m like Morty in those Swiffer commercials, “I make dirt.” And if it can’t be swept into a dustpan or sucked into a vacuum, I don’t clean it. Maids do. So instead of living in filth, I’m going to employ the experts. My problem with having a maid in the house is I just can’t sit there while they clean, lifting my feet up so they can vacuum under them while I watch TV. I feel like a real worthless slob sitting around while they clean, which is why I don’t get them very often. One at a time, we can work on that worthless slob thing in 2015.

Buy More Underwear

Yesterday, I had a crisis. I ran out of boxers and it wasn’t even close to time to do a load of laundry. Luckily, Jos. A Bank will give you twenty pairs if you buy one so I refreshed my supply. Men wear underwear until it wears out, and because of my recent weight gain, I’ve been expediting the “wearing out” process. In fact, between the rips and the buttons flying off, my wardrobe has taken a beating this year. So next year I’m not going to let my boxer supply get out of hand. I resolve to buy one pair a month, that way I’ll be free and clear and shuffling around like Fred Astaire in the comfort of fresh draws.

Tell More People What I Think to Their Faces

 Things like, “that perfume stinks” or “don’t worry, that baby will get cuter in a year” are coming out of my mouth in 2014. One at the top of the list will definitely be doing my best to shame people who break wind in crowds. Why do we sit there suffering? I’m calling you out crowd farter you better believe it. And if you have bad breath, plan on hearing about that too. In 2014, people need to know things, and I’m going to be the one to tell them.

Watch Less Garbage on TV

Not, “watch less TV,’ just less crap on TV like “Golf Rush” and “Storage Wars.” If you aren’t familiar with these two shows, don’t worry about it. “Gold Rush” is supposed to be about some guys who go out in search of life changing gold. In three damn seasons of mining, I’ve got more gold in my teeth than these goobers have found. “Storage Wars” is another scam. These people sure do find a bunch of priceless antiques in storage lockers amongst stained pillows and particleboard furniture. I guess the former owners decided to spend all their money on that one nice piece? Well, I’m going to find something better to do with my time this year than watch shows like this. Maybe I’ll watch stuff about Big Cats. I like Big Cats especially when they take down a water buffalo. I hate them.

Use More Coupons

I’m not talking about turning into Honey Boo Boo’s horrid mother who clips coupons for a living, but I’m going to stop throwing away those mailers. It’s not that I don’t like saving money, I just don’t like making the effort. And getting stuck behind people with 200 coupons in the grocery store is nightmarish. But it is also silly if a company is offering you a product for less money not to take them up on it. All you have to do is cut out this piece of paper and Boom!, yams 20 cents off. So I vow to pay less for my tubers and gherkins in 2014.

I hope that your list for 2014 might actually help humanity or the earth. But if not, join me in these New Year resolutions and make life a little better for maids and fresh underwear weavers.

In all seriousness, I hope you all have a happy and healthy 2014. Thanks for making Covered in Beer something for me to do.

Published by Thomas Cochran

I live and write in Charleston, SC

256 thoughts on “New Year Resolutions”

  2. Winning…. I have a few too: 1 – Alternate nail colours to keep people confused as to whether I am trendy or not. 2 – Start a hipster line of stuff that isn’t hipster at all and, 3 – own a pet that I can teach to talk, which will solve my need for more friends.!!! EXCITING TIMES

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  7. Well I’m all for covering things in beer for a start. My wife says I’m the maid, I do do all the hoovering, but I refuse to wear one of those skimpy outfits, can’t get them in my size anyway.

    I guess if we own the resolution, rather than the year, we can do what we like with them.

    Thanks for looking at my witterings by the way, not as amusing or sarcastic as yours though.

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  9. A very nice assortment of resolutions. However, I must ask you to reconsider bringing attention to the crowd farters, at least when you suspect the culprit is a lady.
    You see, the female species isn’t guaranteed the reprieve to relieve the moment we rise out of bed. No, it is much more complicated than that. There is stretching and hot water and loose fitting garments. We are at the mercy of a movement, sometimes for days, and until then we are left with only the small consolation of releasing a bit of stinky air from time to time. And if it is in public, well, you can be certain we are moving toward the perimeter as swiftly as can be, but sometimes we are simply . . . too late.
    So, I implore you: rethink that one.
    Best of luck with the broccoli. I fully agree.

    Blessings,
    ~ Cara

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  10. Good Luck with your resolutions…I’ve already failed on at least three quarters of mine so I figure it’s either time to give up and start again next year or just make up new ones… Thanks for following my blog – much appreciated 🙂

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  12. Never quite got New Year Resolutions myself, but hey, we’ve all gotta have something don’t we? Good luck staying away from the broccoli and thanks for the follow!

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  18. hear hear! well said…I think I might follow you on the underwear buying thing, and I have just employed a cleaner too…he happens to be a cute looking young man and damn he cleans better than most of the ladies I know. ; ) I think I might have to write a post on him soon so thanks for following!

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  19. Great truth about New Year’s resolutions, and New Year resolutions. I think mine goes more with “Tell more people what I think to their faces”, in a constructive manner though. With so much garbage in th whole world today, then “Watch less garbage on TV” is absolutely necessary for me. Great ideas really, and thanks for the follow. Have a great 2014.

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  24. Your post had me laughing out loud! Hillarious! 1 thing I had also decided to tell people what I mean to their faces! (I have said some crazy things to my boss- I am shocked I havent been fired 😉 who knows maybe that is a (unconscious) goal.

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  25. I make three television suggestions that are of excellent caliber (in case you are not already an avid watcher: Sherlock (the BBC version), Downton Abbey (not just for females), White Collar.

    You will thank me.

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      1. That is fantastic…albeit, slightly sexist (humorously serious). I quoted her line,”Vulgarity is no substitute for wit,” to some non-Downton watchers…and they had no clue. Such a waste.

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  27. Thanks for following my blog! I loved reading this post…. a very fresh and entertaining perspective on new years resolutions! 😉

    All the best to you!

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  30. Ha! Thanks for following my blog. Still working on my “resolution”, which you might have seen I called a manifesto, because — well, I haven’t been too successful in the resolution department. 🙂 Yours sound like winners, and achievable with lasting results. (I should think about getting new underwear every month. Sounds like fun!)

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  32. Hi Jeff – Thanks for following my poetry blog! It’s not a mistake, is it? Now, I’ve given up on making resolutions, they’re a waste of time for me, although I generally keep my commitments. As for broccoli, I’ve learned to love the stuff, preferably without the cloying melted cheese.

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  39. I’ve got a problem with your comment about peas. Peas are NOT delicious. They are a disgusting textural abomination. We don’t smother them in cheese, because, frankly, that wouldn’t help!

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  40. You are practising well in telling people what you think in your post. I don’t think you’ll have too much difficulty in telling them things to their faces. I hope you pair kindness with candidness. Thanks for the follow.

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  43. Oh my! You are too funny! I enjoyed this post. Thanks so much for the follow, I have started watching less “garbage” on t.v. as well:)…and last year was my NY resolution to tell folks MORE to their faces what I thought and believe it or not it was the manager who insisted…I think he may have regretted this by now.

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  46. If everyone ate less (raw) broccoli, perhaps the crop dusting would diminish. Thanks for the follow and the laughter …

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  48. Hello and nice to meet you. Thank you for liking my post and I hope that your year is what you wanted .I didn’t do one this year. There’s always next year:)

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