Humor

New Year Resolutions

images-3While most of you are going to pledge to quit smoking (already did) or lose some weight (I’m fat because I quit smoking), I decided to do it differently in 2014 and resolve to accomplish things that I actually might stick to past February. My first one is in the title. I think saying “New Year’s” resolutions is incorrect because they are mine, not the year’s. How could a year resolve to do anything? If I’m incorrect, I don’t care (that’s my second resolution). Anyway, if you like any of these then let’s pledge to do them together.

 Eat Less Broccoli

I’m not averse to eating vegetables, I eat them all the time, but I’m tired of pretending I like broccoli because it’s good for me. In my family we eat broccoli straight up, not smothered in cheese or baked into a casserole. And let me tell you, it sucks. Children aren’t as dumb as they look; broccoli is a tasteless tiny bush that should be eliminated from our diet. Why else would people smother it in cheese? You don’t do that to peas, they are delicious.

Get a Maid More Often

Morty-SwifferI know maids can be expensive, but they are professionals. I’m like Morty in those Swiffer commercials, “I make dirt.” And if it can’t be swept into a dustpan or sucked into a vacuum, I don’t clean it. Maids do. So instead of living in filth, I’m going to employ the experts. My problem with having a maid in the house is I just can’t sit there while they clean, lifting my feet up so they can vacuum under them while I watch TV. I feel like a real worthless slob sitting around while they clean, which is why I don’t get them very often. One at a time, we can work on that worthless slob thing in 2015.

Buy More Underwear

Yesterday, I had a crisis. I ran out of boxers and it wasn’t even close to time to do a load of laundry. Luckily, Jos. A Bank will give you twenty pairs if you buy one so I refreshed my supply. Men wear underwear until it wears out, and because of my recent weight gain, I’ve been expediting the “wearing out” process. In fact, between the rips and the buttons flying off, my wardrobe has taken a beating this year. So next year I’m not going to let my boxer supply get out of hand. I resolve to buy one pair a month, that way I’ll be free and clear and shuffling around like Fred Astaire in the comfort of fresh draws.

Tell More People What I Think to Their Faces

 Things like, “that perfume stinks” or “don’t worry, that baby will get cuter in a year” are coming out of my mouth in 2014. One at the top of the list will definitely be doing my best to shame people who break wind in crowds. Why do we sit there suffering? I’m calling you out crowd farter you better believe it. And if you have bad breath, plan on hearing about that too. In 2014, people need to know things, and I’m going to be the one to tell them.

Watch Less Garbage on TV

Not, “watch less TV,’ just less crap on TV like “Golf Rush” and “Storage Wars.” If you aren’t familiar with these two shows, don’t worry about it. “Gold Rush” is supposed to be about some guys who go out in search of life changing gold. In three damn seasons of mining, I’ve got more gold in my teeth than these goobers have found. “Storage Wars” is another scam. These people sure do find a bunch of priceless antiques in storage lockers amongst stained pillows and particleboard furniture. I guess the former owners decided to spend all their money on that one nice piece? Well, I’m going to find something better to do with my time this year than watch shows like this. Maybe I’ll watch stuff about Big Cats. I like Big Cats especially when they take down a water buffalo. I hate them.

Use More Coupons

I’m not talking about turning into Honey Boo Boo’s horrid mother who clips coupons for a living, but I’m going to stop throwing away those mailers. It’s not that I don’t like saving money, I just don’t like making the effort. And getting stuck behind people with 200 coupons in the grocery store is nightmarish. But it is also silly if a company is offering you a product for less money not to take them up on it. All you have to do is cut out this piece of paper and Boom!, yams 20 cents off. So I vow to pay less for my tubers and gherkins in 2014.

I hope that your list for 2014 might actually help humanity or the earth. But if not, join me in these New Year resolutions and make life a little better for maids and fresh underwear weavers.

In all seriousness, I hope you all have a happy and healthy 2014. Thanks for making Covered in Beer something for me to do.

256 thoughts on “New Year Resolutions”

  1. Lol. You are a funny dude. “While we all suffer by keeping our mouth shut, other people get away with having bad breath and farting in crowds”. I like your sense of justice.

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  2. It is nice to hear someone really has no new year resolutions. I often do not make them. You usually do not keep them even if you do. Have a great new year and thanks for the follow. God bless.

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  3. hey there thanks for visiting my blog and the follow – have enjoyed reading your posts – interesting stuff – your new years resolutions made me laugh – thank you and a happy new year

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  4. I love your list! I agree that we have to be the ones to do something about our situation. That’s why I decided to take the most important thing in my life and focus on it this year. Thanks for following my blog! I hope you’ll enjoy reading.

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  5. Loved this! Good luck with your resolutions. I quit smoking a while back too and I’m fat because – well actually I’m fat because the shop round the corner makes ridiculously good cake haha.
    My blog is my resolution so I’m hoping it lasts way beyond Feb 🙂
    Happy New Year!

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  6. LOL! You are hilarious! oh, both my grandpas past away from lung cancer, so you are making the right decision (though it doesn’t affect the rest of my family who smokes several packs a day!)

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  7. Thanks for the follow. I hope you enjoy my blog. I like your sense of humor, but I don’t agree about peas and brocolli. I love brocolli and hate peas. Sorry, just being honest 🙂

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  8. At last. Someone who shares my views on broccoli. This made me cry laughing this morning. Thank you, Covered In Beer. You made my day. And believe me, right now, in the middle of exams and a January that is threatening to give my ass frostbite, that is no mean feat.

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  9. You popped up in my new follows this morning, so I was curious to see who you were. How can you not love broccoli?!! So glad you gave up smoking, so at least you have something going for you. Why don’t you go to gym or do a bit of jogging whilst your maid is cleaning house, then you won’t feel guilty. 🙂

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  10. Hilarious yet realistic list, especially like “Tell more people what I think to their faces”. You are right, some just need to be told and many things just need saying outloud. Thanks for the follow!

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  11. I read recently that the definition of a new year’s resolution is your task list for the first week of the new year. However, your list, I think will last longer. Have you considered that if people followed your first resolution to eat less broccoli, you may not have to work so hard telling them what you think to their faces? 😉

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  12. I think your best resolution is to tell more people what you think to their faces. If I could modify it just a bit, I think you should substitute “women” for “people.” Then you would be doing, not only yourself, but the rest of us a ton of good too. Hope more guys follow your lead! Read my post, “Short Essay – Is it Time For Young Men to Change Their Polite Attitude Towards Men?” Thanks for following my blog.

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  13. Great resolutions……I resolve….not to make resolutions! LOL! I have never been able to keep any I have made in the past, therefore I make tiny goals for myself throughout the year that I do indeed try my best to stick with. However I do not beat myself up if I do not stick with them. I just make a new goal. Good luck~

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  14. You are hysterically funny…..I am saving you to read on my breaks at work, when those around me are as about as funny, human, and interesting, as the small print on a travel size bottle of aspirin. What a pleasure to follow you! ……..I’m counting on you, your wit, and drop dead, stick it in the eye humor. Thanks!

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  15. Love Love Love you! I’ll join your resolutions. Hey, you don’t like New Year’s resolutions because it’s only for New Year’s eve! New Year resolutions are for the whole year! Why didn’t I think of that! Except, if I’m the crowdfarter, don’t call me out. We’re partners now.

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  16. ~JasperSays: Dear Broccoli Hater,
    I know you are a sincere fellow. After all, anyone that would Not make a lame bio but leave a stupid picture is all right in my book. (You know I have a book?) It’s like Santa;s duplex list or St. Peter’s Book of Life. Yes sir! You’ve won a foot note. Once I figure this thing out, I’ll FOLLOW you. I want you in front of me.

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  17. Thank you for following my blog. Not exactly sure why you thought it would interest you. However, it is great to have followers, so welcome on board. I was the recipient of someone else’s resolution this year. Her resolution for 2013, which she had received from a friend the year before was to give a worthy recipient (me???!) one present every day for the 12 Days of Christmas. Fortunately not pear trees and various birds, or even gold rings. They were 12 delightful small gifts (physically not monetarily) all on the theme of snow, snowflakes and stars – so it varied from an ice cube tray in star shapes, a star shaped biscuit cutter, a cotton snowflake Christmas tree decoration, and two books and a CD and several chocolates.

    Why don’t you try that this year? It should not all be about me, my, mine…I am going to repeat my donor’s generosity in a chain reaction…

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  18. Wonderful post! I can so identify with the menswear. Hubby’s Y-fronts have got extra holes for ventilation, but they’re ‘comfy’. With recent weight loss for both of us, we need braces to hold them up. Gave up the weed 23 years ago, love broccoli (without sauce), we are The Maid (have His and Hers hoovers, long story), we dumped the TV altogether years ago, on recommendation by our garage have signed up and will save £50 on our next MOTs and services, but telling people what we thought backfired and we now have no friends!
    Think I might follow you for a while. Hope that’s OK.

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  19. Great list! I don’t do resolutions, but I’m with you on the eating less broccoli. I can only eat it drenched in cheese, which pretty much defeats the health benefits. I’ve watched marathons of Storage Wars and Pawn Stars, so I should sign up for the watching less garbage on TV resolution, too 🙂

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  20. Brilliant list … but I hope you don’t lose too many friends by telling them exactly what you think! Thanks for following me – that is much appreciated. Have a great 2014!

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