As we enter the dog days of winter I thought I’d provide you with some ways to avoid getting sick. Now, if you are one of these liars who “don’t ever get sick,” stop reading and go fiddle around with some exposed electrical wires. I hope this list helps the rest of you normal people.
Stay away from children
Children have no respect for personal hygiene or contagious diseases, especially babies. Don’t let their cuteness fool you; they expel hazardous material at all times. If you have children, this is going to be hard for you, but I would wrap them in plastic wrap until the spring. Just make sure they can breathe. I know I used to be one of these things and I probably spread my fair share of disease but that doesn’t mean I can’t avoid them now that I’m a mildly intelligent adult.
Imprison those who don’t wash their hands in the restroom
As we become more selfish and hurried in our daily lives, I think this is becoming an epidemic. At the very least we should all ridicule anyone we see leave the bathroom without washing their hands. I’m sorry that you can’t be bothered, but washing your hands really isn’t for you. Yes, it prevents you from getting sick but mainly it shields the rest of us from contracting whatever germs and parasites you carry around on your obnoxious, inconsiderate hands. Let these mongrels find out what happens in prison if you don’t wash your hands. I’ll tell you what: you are shunned like an Amish caught with an iPod. Some establishments have tried to accommodate these rubes by putting Purell dispensers right by the door. This is defeatism at its best. I say make the door unlock only if your hands are clean like in some James Bond movie. But I only open bathroom doors with a paper towel or my sleeve so this could cause a problem for me.
Put on your own top at Starbucks
I really think Starbucks has a lapse in corporate policy here. I only order “regular” coffee at Starbucks, which typically draws disappointed looks from the barista as they fulfill my very common order. Even though they have been handling grubby money and credit cards all day the cashier is usually the one who hands me my coffee. They think nothing of pressing the lid tight with their hands, taking extra care to touch the part where my mouth is going. One store I frequented had a woman who used a particularly reprehensible smelling hand cream that I could smell and taste on the lid. Now I ask them to leave the lid off but some beat me to the punch. I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s beloved Starbucks experience, but think about this the next time Wisdom presses your coffee lid on.
Stay home if you’re sick
Please, I’m begging you. It amazes me the number of people who try to soldier on through a cold or the flu. That’s great for you, but what about the rest of us who become your victims? Businesses need to do a better job encouraging this, too. I once had a boss accuse me of lying when I said I had the flu, which I did. I hadn’t missed a day of work for years and yet he still thought I had the “cocktail flu” and was lying. Bastard. I told him if he didn’t trust me then he should rethink my employment. I know people lie about being sick to get out of things, but it’s like people have forgotten how illness spreads. I won’t mention the place but I wouldn’t shake hands with anyone employed at a golf resort that rhymes with “iawah” during the winter months.
Drink hard liquor
I have no idea if this will prevent you from getting sick, but what the hell? In the Wild West, doctors used to sterilize equipment with whiskey because they were idiots who had no idea about medicine; but they did know about drinking judging by the footage. Don’t go around ruining whiskey by putting stuff in it other than ice. But it might murder those germs as they march across your face if you pickle your lips with it.
Don’t watch the news
The news always has the same tips every year on how to avoid getting sick that everyone except those people who don’t wash their hands in the bathroom knows. They also tell you how many cases of the flu have been reported in your area and how many people have died from it. What they don’t tell you is that the people who die were 98 and have “never been sick a day in their lives” so they must have been saving the flu up for one big one. I think the news promotes illness because they warn you about things like the swine flu and then people get sick worrying about getting sick. If they would really like to help there ought to be a “Did Not Wash Hands” registry they report on nightly that exposes people so we can avoid them and their illnesses. I know I have mentioned this a lot but it is disturbing. If we band together, we can eradicate these non-washers and make Earth a better place.