How Not to Get Sick

As we enter the dog days of winter I thought I’d provide you with some ways to avoid getting sick. Now, if you are one of these liars who “don’t ever get sick,” stop reading and go fiddle around with some exposed electrical wires. I hope this list helps the rest of you normal people.

Stay away from children

Children have no respect for personal hygiene or contagious diseases, especially babies. Don’t let their cuteness fool you; they expel hazardous material at all times. If you have children, this is going to be hard for you, but I would wrap them in plastic wrap until the spring. Just make sure they can breathe. I know I used to be one of these things and I probably spread my fair share of disease but that doesn’t mean I can’t avoid them now that I’m a mildly intelligent adult.

Imprison those who don’t wash their hands in the restroom

As we become more selfish and hurried in our daily lives, I think this is becoming an epidemic. At the very least we should all ridicule anyone we see leave the bathroom without washing their hands. I’m sorry that you can’t be bothered, but washing your hands really isn’t for you. Yes, it prevents you from getting sick but mainly it shields the rest of us from contracting whatever germs and parasites you carry around on your obnoxious, inconsiderate hands. Let these mongrels find out what happens in prison if you don’t wash your hands. I’ll tell you what: you are shunned like an Amish caught with an iPod. Some establishments have tried to accommodate these rubes by putting Purell dispensers right by the door. This is defeatism at its best. I say make the door unlock only if your hands are clean like in some James Bond movie. But I only open bathroom doors with a paper towel or my sleeve so this could cause a problem for me.

Put on your own top at Starbucks

t1larg.starbucks.giI really think Starbucks has a lapse in corporate policy here. I only order “regular” coffee at Starbucks, which typically draws disappointed looks from the barista as they fulfill my very common order. Even though they have been handling grubby money and credit cards all day the cashier is usually the one who hands me my coffee. They think nothing of pressing the lid tight with their hands, taking extra care to touch the part where my mouth is going. One store I frequented had a woman who used a particularly reprehensible smelling hand cream that I could smell and taste on the lid. Now I ask them to leave the lid off but some beat me to the punch. I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s beloved Starbucks experience, but think about this the next time Wisdom presses your coffee lid on.

Stay home if you’re sick

Please, I’m begging you. It amazes me the number of people who try to soldier on through a cold or the flu. That’s great for you, but what about the rest of us who become your victims? Businesses need to do a better job encouraging this, too. I once had a boss accuse me of lying when I said I had the flu, which I did. I hadn’t missed a day of work for years and yet he still thought I had the “cocktail flu” and was lying. Bastard. I told him if he didn’t trust me then he should rethink my employment. I know people lie about being sick to get out of things, but it’s like people have forgotten how illness spreads. I won’t mention the place but I wouldn’t shake hands with anyone employed at a golf resort that rhymes with “iawah” during the winter months.

Drink hard liquor

Gabby_Johnson_Blazing_SaddlesI have no idea if this will prevent you from getting sick, but what the hell? In the Wild West, doctors used to sterilize equipment with whiskey because they were idiots who had no idea about medicine; but they did know about drinking judging by the footage. Don’t go around ruining whiskey by putting stuff in it other than ice. But it might murder those germs as they march across your face if you pickle your lips with it.

Don’t watch the news

The news always has the same tips every year on how to avoid getting sick that everyone except those people who don’t wash their hands in the bathroom knows. They also tell you how many cases of the flu have been reported in your area and how many people have died from it. What they don’t tell you is that the people who die were 98 and have “never been sick a day in their lives” so they must have been saving the flu up for one big one. I think the news promotes illness because they warn you about things like the swine flu and then people get sick worrying about getting sick. If they would really like to help there ought to be a “Did Not Wash Hands” registry they report on nightly that exposes people so we can avoid them and their illnesses. I know I have mentioned this a lot but it is disturbing. If we band together, we can eradicate these non-washers and make Earth a better place.


189 thoughts on “How Not to Get Sick”

  1. Good points all! I used to get so frustrated at work when people would come in sick. Who were the worst offenders? The attorneys! ‘Nuff said. Thanks for visiting and following my blog. I’m looking forward to reading more of yours! 🙂


  2. Good advice! Some other things that work: Wash your hands before eating. Avoid touching your face (not just mouth and nose but also eyes) when you are out in public. Rinse your mouth with hydrogen peroxide every couple of days (and then spit it out and rinse with water)–it kills germs, including germs under the gumline that cause gum disease. Avoid traveling by airplane, especially in winter–the recirculated air can bring you germs from someone at the other end of the plane that you never even see.

    I am currently 17 days into viral bronchitis that my entire family probably caught on a plane coming back from Christmas–the relatives we visited did not get it at all. It’s been miserable!! I have had to take a disability leave to miss this much work, but it’s worth it to get myself fully healed and protect my co-workers.


  3. dude, i work with japanese kindergarteners, and they are some of the drippiest kids i have ever heard of. i have kids who rush in the for the hug at opportune moments (i.e. whenever i’m crouched down), and while i love their tiny adorable little embraces, the slime trails they leave behind when they depart are truly obscene.

    they are like adorable little slugs: you’ll never see them coming and they leave strange fluids everywhere.


  4. It really is ridiculous the culture that has evolved around people going to work sick. If they’re your employee and they are sick, that sucks, but it’s just one person. Let them stay home and get well or it will soon by all of the employees. If they won’t call out because their job doesn’t pay them enough to take a day off, then you need to pay them more. It will be worth a couple extra dollars to keep your office Flu-Free.


  5. Here! Here! Totally agree with all points, except maybe the Drink Hard Liquor one, seeing as I’m a Mormon and all…:)
    I tend to go around with a Kleenex in my pocket nowadays and use it to cover door handles before opening them. And I do hang around with (grand) kids a lot, which I can’t possibly stop doing, so I tend to fortify myself before and after visits with large doses of my many herbal and essential oil concoctions to ward off the germs. Thanks for visiting


  6. I mostly adhere to a Do Not Worry About Getting Sick stance, which seems to have worked pretty well for me thus far. I think of it as a Teflon coating to deflect the paranoia parceled out by the media (on more fronts than just disease prevention). I would, however, support a campaign to institute a Registry…


  7. I agree 100% about the children and non hand washers! Stay away! I am sick right now (don’t worry, I’m considerate and stayed home from work) perhaps I should give the liquor idea a try!


  8. Excellent post, but I must add my two shekels here: 1) cold drinks of any kind, and actually cold food of any kind should never be eaten in winter/flu season, and the corollary 2) please don’t ruin a perfectly good whisky by polluting it with ice 😀


      1. Not germs specifically. When something cold hits the warm inside of your stomach, said organ responds by creating a layer of mucus. Ever notice that you get kind of gummed up after eating a bunch of ice cream, especially in the winter, or a cold beer (yes I know)? Ever notice that you might get a little sinus-y or cough-y? Well even off you didn’t, cold makes mucus. Both Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine attribute many diseases to the accumulation of mucus in the organs. Oriental medicine holds that one should never consume anything cold, even when the weather is warm. Besides, diluting perfectly good whisky with ice is an abomination in the eyes of God.


      2. Adding to that that whiskey is the universal solvent (to mucus as well as other forms of gunk), and therefore a sovereign cure for any type of cough, wheeze, lumbago, gout, Chaga’s disease, some forms of elephantiasis…well, you get the picture….it can be inferred that a quality Whisky is highly germicidal. Unfortunately it does not seem to affect bed bugs in the least.


  9. This is EXACTLY what I preach to people. It seems that if people in your area are DYING of diseases that spread by catching germs that people throw at you, people would be alot more conscientious about the cleanliness of their hands. Come on people! Stop touching your damn faces! We could very well put these viruses in the extinct category if everyone washed their hands and stopped touching their faces for just 1 flu season!


  10. You made me laugh out loud!!! Very funny – and sensible tips! I must have missed one as I am coughing away as I laugh. My husband and I believe in “self medicating” with orange juice and OJ – – – hard liquor and vitamin C. Unfortunately we have no juice now…..I wonder if just the vodka would work. ;-D Glad you found me!


  11. Well said! The children I teach cough directly into my face whenever I bend over to help them glue something. In reality I couldn’t care less if their drawing of a porcupine is glued properly into their English notebook on the best of days, and I will go so far as to say I don’t give 2 shits about it if it means I’m laid out in bed with some weird stomach flu for 10 days (truth).


  12. Excellent points 😉 Avoiding children and drinking hard liquor is going to be my mission from now on. Wait, I already do both of those things… 🙂 Thanks for following my blog! Linda.


  13. Thomas, I have a daughter, but I loved this post. You literally had me howling! Thank you for that, thank you for your brilliant writing and for following my blog. P.S. just bought you a drink, enjoy!


  14. Thanks for following Benzeknees! I see from this post you & I have the same sense of humor, so I will give you a follow back – maybe we can amuse each other! You forgot one very important point though – if you want to stay healthy, definitely don’t go near a hospital! There are so many germs hanging around there!


  15. I had to call out once due to food poisoning from the night before, which unfortunately had to be payday. The next day my boss called me into his office and accused me of lying to go out partying with my paycheck, and told me that it will be reflected in my performance review. Thankfully I no longer work there, but show me a workplace that doesn’t look down on people who call out for any and all reasons, and I’ll show you some oceanfront property in Arizona.


  16. Tops tips – I would go hard on non-hand washers… full-on Sharia-style lopping if they come from the bathroom without washing. That would stop the spread of a lot of germs. Let’s see them try and put on a lid at Starbucks with no hands! Of course, we’d all die from the first flu epidemic we encounter as our immune systems are underdeveloped, but hey, at least we’d solve the planet’s over population problem.


  17. That made me laugh. Can I just add that the hard drinking thing works afterwards too if you do go down with something. Whisky, lemon, honey, perhaps a clove … you know the drill. Doesn’t cure a thing but makes you feel better.


  18. I do think that children are at their worst when needing to make sure they are clean & not sick. remember this part as stepping into shoes of a parent though! Parents need to discipline their children & make sure they clean their babies as well. If it wasn’t for government messing with kids & parents & training these people like they let out those who have committed crimes as fast as they make them, I think people would get the ideas of what to do since there are those who would rather prefer suing people over small matters as opposed to creating things in life to repair the garbage that is made in life instead1


  19. Oh Sweet Saint Fuck, a genius post. Where were you when Beloved dragged an illness home from someone who was such a brave little soldier to the rest of their coworkers by manning through and bringing their plague to work with them?

    Thanks for the insight, and thank you ever so much for the follow, good sir. Hope to entertain. If you feel inclined, let me know what drew you in.


  20. I completely agree with shaming the non-handwashers! How much of a hurry are they in that they can’t spare ten seconds to wash? Also, I find tequila is a great way to kill an incoming cold. Great post!


  21. You, are a mind reader! Love this post and it is exactly how I see it!
    I am rarely (knock on wood) ever sick. I cover my mouth when I cough and sneeze, I stay home when I am sick, I wash my hands more times than I know how to count in a day. When I see other people who are hacking up furballs or kidneys….I run in the opposite direction as fast as my penguin legs will woddle. And when they don’t cover their mouths when doing so I make damn sure I give a fierce disgusted look with mumblings in a “not known to others” foreign language! Oh yeah…they’ll get the point. Especially when I so caliously raise the decibal on my F*@k#ng idiot remark of disdain. Kids (of all ages) pick, scratch, rub, touch their noses, lips, eyes etc, never once washing their hands between the lot, and then wonder why they are always sick. Your post was great and should be re posted for the season which is upon us! Someone has to get the point! (you would think!)


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