Humor

How Not to Get Sick

As we enter the dog days of winter I thought I’d provide you with some ways to avoid getting sick. Now, if you are one of these liars who “don’t ever get sick,” stop reading and go fiddle around with some exposed electrical wires. I hope this list helps the rest of you normal people.

Stay away from children

Children have no respect for personal hygiene or contagious diseases, especially babies. Don’t let their cuteness fool you; they expel hazardous material at all times. If you have children, this is going to be hard for you, but I would wrap them in plastic wrap until the spring. Just make sure they can breathe. I know I used to be one of these things and I probably spread my fair share of disease but that doesn’t mean I can’t avoid them now that I’m a mildly intelligent adult.

Imprison those who don’t wash their hands in the restroom

As we become more selfish and hurried in our daily lives, I think this is becoming an epidemic. At the very least we should all ridicule anyone we see leave the bathroom without washing their hands. I’m sorry that you can’t be bothered, but washing your hands really isn’t for you. Yes, it prevents you from getting sick but mainly it shields the rest of us from contracting whatever germs and parasites you carry around on your obnoxious, inconsiderate hands. Let these mongrels find out what happens in prison if you don’t wash your hands. I’ll tell you what: you are shunned like an Amish caught with an iPod. Some establishments have tried to accommodate these rubes by putting Purell dispensers right by the door. This is defeatism at its best. I say make the door unlock only if your hands are clean like in some James Bond movie. But I only open bathroom doors with a paper towel or my sleeve so this could cause a problem for me.

Put on your own top at Starbucks

t1larg.starbucks.giI really think Starbucks has a lapse in corporate policy here. I only order “regular” coffee at Starbucks, which typically draws disappointed looks from the barista as they fulfill my very common order. Even though they have been handling grubby money and credit cards all day the cashier is usually the one who hands me my coffee. They think nothing of pressing the lid tight with their hands, taking extra care to touch the part where my mouth is going. One store I frequented had a woman who used a particularly reprehensible smelling hand cream that I could smell and taste on the lid. Now I ask them to leave the lid off but some beat me to the punch. I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s beloved Starbucks experience, but think about this the next time Wisdom presses your coffee lid on.

Stay home if you’re sick

Please, I’m begging you. It amazes me the number of people who try to soldier on through a cold or the flu. That’s great for you, but what about the rest of us who become your victims? Businesses need to do a better job encouraging this, too. I once had a boss accuse me of lying when I said I had the flu, which I did. I hadn’t missed a day of work for years and yet he still thought I had the “cocktail flu” and was lying. Bastard. I told him if he didn’t trust me then he should rethink my employment. I know people lie about being sick to get out of things, but it’s like people have forgotten how illness spreads. I won’t mention the place but I wouldn’t shake hands with anyone employed at a golf resort that rhymes with “iawah” during the winter months.

Drink hard liquor

Gabby_Johnson_Blazing_SaddlesI have no idea if this will prevent you from getting sick, but what the hell? In the Wild West, doctors used to sterilize equipment with whiskey because they were idiots who had no idea about medicine; but they did know about drinking judging by the footage. Don’t go around ruining whiskey by putting stuff in it other than ice. But it might murder those germs as they march across your face if you pickle your lips with it.

Don’t watch the news

The news always has the same tips every year on how to avoid getting sick that everyone except those people who don’t wash their hands in the bathroom knows. They also tell you how many cases of the flu have been reported in your area and how many people have died from it. What they don’t tell you is that the people who die were 98 and have “never been sick a day in their lives” so they must have been saving the flu up for one big one. I think the news promotes illness because they warn you about things like the swine flu and then people get sick worrying about getting sick. If they would really like to help there ought to be a “Did Not Wash Hands” registry they report on nightly that exposes people so we can avoid them and their illnesses. I know I have mentioned this a lot but it is disturbing. If we band together, we can eradicate these non-washers and make Earth a better place.

189 thoughts on “How Not to Get Sick”

  1. Most employers don’t seem to get the whole “stay home when you are sick” thing. People get fired for staying out when sick. Technically, it’s illegal but practically, it happens all the time. Eventually, everyone in the office is sick so it no longer matters. Problem solved. Somehow or other, this is supposed to improve productivity.

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      1. And they make it very obvious they don’t really believe you are sick and you better get well fast. Or … the subtle threat that you can be replaced. Makes for an uneasy recovery, to say the least.

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    1. I think when people start coming to work sick… it’s the healthy people who should stay home! I fully back that solution. Because “I never get sick.” 😉

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  2. It’s nice to know there are some people like you…the small percentage aware of bacteria, and bodily fluids. Working many years in surgery has made me a germ freak. I can’t help watching what others do and I cringe. I love it when people wash their hands and then ever so politely take the paper towel and dry the sink and surrounding counter top. Disgusting. Why wash your hands in the first place? Go ahead and lick the sink AND toilet while your at it! Lol!

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      1. I saw this happen three times this week. There will always be people who do this, regardless of washroom notices (if there even were). It’s best we protect ourselves, similar to defensive driving.

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  3. You have failed to mention AIR PLANES !! I just arrived home from Vegas and of course 2 days later I get a cold !!! Or It could have been all those dirty escalators at both airports !! ugh !

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  4. this was funny as can be! you’re right about kids being dirty urchins.

    I am a big germaphobe and cant understand those who let their dog kiss them, knowing full well the dog does things that are very ewe. 🙂

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  5. I was surprised by the whiskey comment. Whiskey is a decent sterilizer because of the high alcohol content – grain alcohol is even better. I don’t think the doctors in the Wild West or elsewhere used whiskey because they were “idiots,” but rather because they probably couldn’t afford to treat most patients with expensive antiseptics.

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    1. It is just a dumb little anecdote. I’m certainly not trying to generalize about the doctors who practiced medicine in half of our country for a hundred years. I got it mainly from movies anyway so I wouldn’t quote me in a term paper…

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  6. Not only should you wash your hands when you “go” to the bathroom, you should wash them often. I hate shaking hands. I know I’m neurotic but I tend to go wash my hands afterward. I have no idea where those hands have been or what they were doing….

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  7. Thank gosh someone is finally telling people to put their children in plastic bags. It’s about damn time parents start being responsible. Children are the sick-givers. Last time I tried to be responsible I was told I was abusing my kid, go figure.

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  8. Having spent 4 years in the Army, “Sick Call” (the equivalent to waiting in like for 3 hours, just to have a “doctor” give you Cepacol) is frowned upon. Without “bed rest” orders, you’re expected at work, then the Command Team will often wonder why everyone gets sick, at the same time. Hm, I wonder.

    Good tips! I personally like the Hard Alcohol tip, myself. I’ll have to give it a go!

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  9. Never let anyone else use your keyboard or cell phone. In fact, you do best if you avoid people at all costs. The majority of germs that haven’t already latched onto something – such as a booth in a restaurant, your girlfriend’s sweater (or your girlfriend, for that matter!) – are air-borne.

    So stay at home, don’t breath, and don’t consume or handle anything if you don’t know where it came from or where it has been recently. Never have children or pets – especially male dogs!

    Then again, you could simply drown your worries in booze and hope you die of cirrhosis of the liver before you come down with some dreadful disease or paranoid psychosis (arachnophobia is my personal fave!) 😉

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  10. I used to be an at home mom and day care provider. I was hardly ever sick even though I spent 12 years wiping snot noses and cleaning butts. Since returning to the workforce- sick at least once every year. Sick right now as a matter of fact. But I did wash my hands right before I typed this.

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  11. My world changed forever when someone told me they were in the men’s bathroom with a guy who relieved himself, then exited the bathroom without washing his hands and proceeded to handle numerous Roma tomatoes that he did not buy.

    Your comment about the Starbucks lids is touching the same nerve. Aaaahhh…

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  12. Movie theaters creep me out…..enclosed….just how often do you think those armrests are cleaned? so dark you can’t even see the dirt… I am with you on the cup lids….straws are a must on cold drinks

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  13. LOL! Thanks for the follow. I hope you will return again soon and often. Quick story about beer. We went to a restaurant in Vienna, Austria where everything is cooked in or contains beer. It was awesome!

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  14. Thanks for the follow. This post was good, too.
    Not that I go to Starbucks often, since I’m not a typical coffee drinker, but I will now be trying to observe them much more closely.
    As to the “dog kissing” comment: Eww – Yuck!

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  15. This is exactly why we both work at home … and I cook all our meals from scratch (no pee-zza problems) .. and hubby roasts his own coffee beans (no Wisdom residue), etc … esp since he has major health issues. And we travel in RV so we don’t have to deal with airport cooties and other crap. Great post!

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  16. Good one! Loved that Seinfeld episode … well, in fact I loved most of them.
    For eight years, I worked in a medical clinic — one of those walk-in places. The mothers put their little darlin’s up on the counter, right in front of me while they paid. With the green snot dangling from their noses … The first weeks I felt constantly sick, but after that … somehow I must have developed the greatest immune defence — I was never sick with a cold! Not until I got on a flight…

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  17. Started the New Year sick – though I’ve at least stayed at home and tried to avoid imposing it on anyone else. I have no doubt that the culprit was the Christmas season, involving being in company with other people’s small children – germ-ridden little critters that they are!

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  18. Eastern cultures don’t shake hands, but greet you with great dignity and respect…I’ve been trying to utilize that mannerism with a modified bow. Must help; I’m not sick. Yet. Shopping carts in the grocery are FILTHY. Computer keyboards. I’ve recently started using “Thieves”; spray it everywhere. It helped protect during the bubonic plague era…but not everyone. Finally, awareness with humor is good…die laughing rather than crying. Keep writing, Thomas. Gassho.

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  19. Someone else has already mentioned this, but I will say it again. In the past decade the only times I have gotten sick were immediately after I was on an airplane. Those things are germ distribution centers. Here in Florida the flu starts to kick into gear as soon as the ‘snow birds’ start to arrive from the North.

    Also, particular irritating are those loyal employees that refuse to stay home, then come over to chat with you tell you HOW terrible they feel but they had to come in to do blah, blah, blah…just stay home.

    Anyway, great post. Lots of humor, mixed with absolute truth.

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    1. It’s all that recirculated air and the fact that people treat airplanes like their bedrooms. Would it kill people not to wear pajamas on plane? They wouldn’t do that on a bus. Thanks for reading.

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  20. “Children have no respect for personal hygiene or contagious diseases, especially babies. Don’t let their cuteness fool you; they expel hazardous material at all times” HAH. Couldn’t agree more! Also, I know people are totally into this, but I’m COMPLETELY grossed out by people who kiss their kids on the lips for those reasons and so much more.

    Also, Starbucks is definitely ruined for me, but that’s okay. I’m not supposed to drink caffeine anyways 😉

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  21. lol love it! I had a colleague once who never washed her hands.. i sort of brought it up once and she said that the hand wash makes her hands dry. my retort: that’s what hand creams are for. In all the time we worked together she still never realised that that’s why i never wanted to sample any food she brought to work.

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  22. I once went to a restaurant with a friend and the the host actually licked his index finger to get a placemat off the stack of other paper placemats then he seated us. Stupidly my friend and I still ate there but the restaurant has since gone out of business. Thank goodness. Great post and that bit from Seinfeld was terrific. I hadn’t seen it before.

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  23. I’ve noticed how they handle things at Starbucks, or any coffee house, for that matter. After handling all that money, then they pick up the cup with their fingers on the inside of the cup. Geez! Not to mention what you just said about the lid…

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  24. Companies definitely have to do a better job of encouraging people to stay home when they’re sick. I used to work with some idiots that used to show up to work even though they looked like they were ready to pass out and were really proud of themselves for never taking a sick day. And the bosses there seemed to value that too. They don’ realise those idiots probably led to five other people having to take a sick day. Great tips by the way, the Starbucks one especially.

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  25. I always get sick when we travel up to see the grandchildren. We drive up, so that we don’t get the germs at the airport and on the plane, but it only takes one enthusiastic kiss from a kid with a snotty nose, and you can guess the rest. Thanks for the heads up on the Starbucks lids. I hadn’t thought about that one.

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  26. I used to live in Germany and there it seemed to be expected that you should stay at home if you were sick whereas here I think the attitude is that you carry on. They did expect you to go to the doctors and get a sick note though!

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  27. Great post! And I’m a fan of all things Seinfeld, too. In honor of your warnings, I’m going to have three fingers – instead of my standard two – of Knob Creek when I get home. Slainte!

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  28. You are so funny, I just had to hit ‘follow’. I hate people who “never get sick.” And I will try that plastic wrap on my kid. She might actually enjoy it! Especially if it that bubble wrap stuff. Hours of fun.

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  29. I love this post…my sentiments exactly. You have quite a sense of humor about not getting sick. I’ve started following your blog, and thanks for following me too!

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  30. I had to giggle when you said that parents should wrap their kids in plastic wrap. Highly impractical, but humorous! An added bonus is that parents could keep their kids under control! *sarcasm* 😉
    BTW–thanks for the follow! 🙂

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  31. Our neighbors across the street hosted a Christmas party for all of us on the street. They have no children but nearly everyone else does. Tiny, disgusting snot from nose to upper lip all winter long aged kids. I warned them that if they let all 15 plus of these kids into their house that one or both of them would get sick. Bah, they said, we don’t get sick. It took two days and they were both downed by who knows what putrid bacteria that perhaps my very own kids left in their previously spotless home. Don’t even get me started on people who don’t wash their hands. That reminds me, I have to go Yelp about something! Lol. Thanks. That Girl Ryan sent me over here, in case you’re wondering where this idiot came from all of a sudden.

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  32. First off, thanks for the kind following.

    This post resonates with me because I am a barista who works at Starbucks. And believe it or not, I am the one who pays extra special attention when putting the lids for my customers. I am always thinking to myself that people must really have faith in their baristas when it comes to hygiene. But I know all too well that the “every 20 minutes” rule of handwashing is horribly enforced, if at all.
    Great post, I thought it was as much true as it was hilarious.

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  33. Hilarious! The baristas at Starbucks always look at me like I’m crazy when I ask them to take off the lid or let me get it myself. I can’t stand when they have wet hands and grab that lid as if there is nothing wrong…lol

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