Paradise Frozen

It was so cold today in Charleston, SC, that I saw a squirrel in Marion Square

warming his nuts. –(modified) David Letterman

Yes, I think I survived the great winter storm of 2014. Happily, it wasn’t much of anything because it doesn’t really snow here. I researched average snowfall for Charleston and it was so tiny that most charts had it at zero every year for the last hundred years. I have seen it snow three times in my eight years here and each time the snow barely stuck and was gone within 24 hours. Last night was different because we had freezing rain for the most part so there is ice stuck to power lines and trees. I know it was freezing rain because the boob on the news explained what freezing rain was about twenty times last night. I have sent him a gift basket full of Drain-o to gargle and Anthrax.

People get goofy when it snows in the South. Anytime someone empties a cooler of ice on the ground, people flee to the grocery stores and clean them out of bread and milk. I don’t understand this tradition. If the power goes out the milk is going to spoil and then you can throw it away and wrap yourself in the bread for warmth. One of the reason’s I love living here is the wonderful weather. I’m glad that we don’t know how to handle the misery of winter storms.

To those who live where it snows all the time: quit criticizing us for not dealing with “a little snow and ice” well. Why would we? It doesn’t snow here, schmuck. When you pull a fish out of water it doesn’t handle the change in environment very well. Welcome to Southerners in the snow. I am beginning to collect a list of people in the North and Midwest who have criticized our response to this storm and will revoke their vacationing privileges here when it 75 degrees next month and they have to start their cars with a heater. These are the same people that come here in the summer and complain that it’s hot. It’s hot. Go inside dummy, or better yet, don’t come here at all with your bitching.

I am not a winter person if you haven’t guessed that already. Winter is when I’m at my worst. I’m a fat idle blob of annoyed between January to March 1, so it would behoove you to stay away. I certainly don’t like snow. I think of snow like I think of pot: I like it for about 10 minutes then I’m ready to get back to normal. I think skiing is stupid too. If the goal of skiing is to get to the bottom of the slope without bashing into a tree, and that is where you begin, then haven’t I already won? Good. Now let’s go have a drink.

6a00d8341bfaea53ef017d3ea45cd6970c-800wiLuckily for us in Charleston, “Leon” didn’t hit too hard. (The Weather Channel didn’t use my suggestion of “annoying shithead” for the storm name) As I sit here, the ice is melting off the roads pretty rapidly. Bridges remain closed, but that only means people from neighboring Mount Pleasant can’t come downtown and complain. I imagine that more drunks fell down last night than usual, which are hopefully our only casualties. I know that lots of people had a much worse experience with this storm. I hope they get safe and warm, and vote out the incompetent idiots in Atlanta who botched the cities preparedness. I’m going to be sitting down with an adult beverage and dream of 90-degree heat and 100% humidity for the rest of the afternoon. Or at least dream about this Saturday when it is supposed to be 70.

106 thoughts on “Paradise Frozen”

  1. We’ve had the same goofy outcome with our recent and very late to arrive rain here in NorCal. The news shows on TV are all about every puddle and clearing storm drains, and even though it’s raining after months of none, we’re told not to enjoy it, because it’s not enough. At least it’s warm, and the snow is where it belongs…in the mountains.
    Thanks for following my blog, by the way.


  2. I hear ya Bro! If you’ve never experienced driving in an iced-over Texas, I suggest you add that to your bucket list, for it is some of the best free entertainment to be had anywhere. Texans have no concept of ice and the potential perils it presents. Combine that with Texan arrogance, impatience, fool’s courage, and the attitude that when on the road, “By God it’s mine!” Well, stand by for some drama.

    Great post. My first visit here. I’ll be back.


  3. Thank you for following my blog! So far I like yours!
    Amen to all that though! I’m in California and the coldest it has been during the day has been about… 50 degrees probably in the past I don’t know, several months. It’s just like, don’t get mad at the rest of the world for your troubles!


  4. Love it, made me laugh. I’m from the icy snowy north and you are a wuss! Just came back from a road trip to Memphis for the International Blues Challenge. Thought it would be warm there. The fountains were frozen. It’s south for heavens sake.


  5. As a southerner and citizen in the badly botched (last month) city of Atlanta, I thank you for this blog. Additionally, thank you for following my blog. Appreciate you stopping by!


  6. This is the funniest thing I’ve read about the Southern “snow” (which we all know has a strong foundation of ice in order to stick). I am from SC too, but living in Northern VA. I want to move back south where it’s gone in a day and panic ensues (though, to be fair, they’re panicking up here right now too. The weather people are giddy!). Charleston would be very ideal! Enjoy the next “storm” and think of me drowning in snow! Thanks for the follow, I look forward to reading your next adventure!


  7. I like living in the South too! I’m in Southern Florida and we never see snow. I used to hate the weather down here, but the past few winters have reminded me of why I put up with the heat. Sure it gets hot and we can drink the humidity in the air, but I wouldn’t live anywhere else.


  8. Ahhh the weather commentary “down south!” My husband and I have recently moved to Richmond, VA from Frederick, MD – what a difference!

    Thanks for following my blog… I’ll do my utmost to make you not regret it. haha I enjoy your humor and look forward to catching up. Be well!


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