Killing Blue Cheese

Yuck-Face-Little-Boy-ImageBlue cheese is slopped on everything. It’s in your salad, it’s on your wings, it’s smoldering in some rich lady’s fridge waiting to be inhaled at the next art council fundraiser. People would rather hear that you hate puppies before blue cheese. I tell people I’m allergic to it, that way they won’t be tempted to try and slip it past me for fear of me swelling up like a blowfish. I guess I’m not cultured enough to like it, but I’d rather suck on loose change than a hunk of Roquefort. Blue cheese has more reach than the FBI and it’s time for it to die.

First thing’s first, it’s rotten cheese. Not rotten in the sense that it has poor moral character, but rotten because it is riddled with mold. When any other food enters the state blue cheese is in, sane people look at it, deem it unsafe to eat and throw it in the garbage. But not blue cheese folks, no, they slather it on crackers and feign pleasure just like a Kardashian pretending to read a book.

Blue cheese has become a crutch for unimpressive chefs. They run out of ideas and then sprinkle rotten cheese crumbles over everything like some stalling child who can’t climb the rope in gym class. Many great dishes have been ruined by this filth. This is a horrible fad that simply will not go away. At least Disco produced some good songs; blue cheese has become the lasting love of the inept.

How was this tawdry excuse for food discovered? Who was the first idiot to see that the cheese had gone bad and decided to eat it anyway? French blue cheese companies would have you believe that the ancestors of their “craftsmen” invented it. Wikipedia says that Gorgonzola, a type of blue cheese for those even more boorish, has been made in Italy since 879 AD. Hopefully one day when our society is much more advanced, we will wonder why we decided to chronicle the history of how long we were willing to eat spoiled food.

5-Pliny-the-Elder-e1369865677982Here are a few sorry ass historical figures that were known to be fans of blue cheese: Pliny the Elder, Charlemagne and Casanova. Pliny the Elder left us with some wonderful works of natural history. But he should have studied the natural history of volcanoes more closely because he was killed in Pompeii, that resort town below the smoldering ash of Vesuvius. Charlemagne was a great ruler born of a man named “Pepin the Short,” a king so powerless he couldn’t even demand a better nickname. Charlemagne lived to be 72 and ruled for 47 years over most of Europe, but died of “depression” presumably caused by his petulant love for rotten cheese. Casanova hardly lived up to his reputation. A man who spent most of his time either naked or in jail, his debauched lifestyle could only be trumped by his horrid taste in food. Remember these little historical nuggets so you can impress your friends the next time you find yourself eating moldy garbage at a party.

Even the hardened foodie must admit that blue cheese has run its course, especially since it’s now a condiment at Hardee’s. They will argue that it’s not “quality” cheese and that it isn’t fit for the discerning palate. But I would counter with the argument that mold only has one quality: shit.

I’m no picky eater; I just don’t eat things that have expired.  All I am asking is that the next time you eat blue cheese think about what you are doing for a minute. It stinks and is full of stuff that, if someone had it all over his or her house, they’d have to hire men in HAZMAT suits to get rid of it. Like everything else infested with mold, blue cheese should be condemned forever.

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135 thoughts on “Killing Blue Cheese

  1. I don’t want to like your post because I hate blue cheese and steer away from that stuff all the time but give me feta cheese any day instead!!!! I feel the same way your picture is portrayed!
    Thanks for stopping in at my place.

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  3. I would like to point out that every cheese that you put into your mouth has had mould on it at one point. Cheese is aged until it grows mould, however most is cut off. Even cheddar. There are hundreds of cheese people eat that still have a fuzz, but no harsh smell, taste, or side effects. Such as Brie. When you buy lets say a cheddar cheese, leave it in your fridge for to long and it grows mould…you can simply cut that part off and it shall be fine to eat. If however your cheese is shredded or a soft cheese that is turning green like mozza, throw it out. This is the mould that will make you sick, not the stuff you find on your blue cheese…which has enzymes that help your health, same with yogourt.
    With all that being said I don’t really like blue cheese either, that taste is to strong for me to just eat on it’s own or the main flavour.
    Oh, and when you say unimpressive chefs, know that I’ve won medals on my food…using blue cheese, an unimpressive chef is someone who works in a pub serving fries.

      • Now now, no need for such salty language, little darling. You’re a chef, I’m a writer, here’s a lesson for next time. You wrote, without the contractions, “what is you are a loser outside the internet.” Huh? I might be a loser but I can put together a proper sentence. Now go poison some poor folks with your putrid food.

      • Please. Are you actually a writer or some writer “wanna be”? There are plenty of awful mistakes in your entry. Such as: spelling mould mold, starting a sentence with but and having sentences so god awfully long it hurts. Maybe you should go take another English class before trying to “one up” someone on it.
        Hope you get poisoned by my “putrid” food you’ve never tried, but gladly clicked the subscribe button to my blog.

      • Well that’s something I didn’t know. Not dumb for admitting a mistake; Unlike you.

        No head smashing was invloved in the making of my comment. Looks like you you can make fun of everything and everyone in your posts. However cant seem to take a cheese lesson from someone. Who I might add was alittle offended.
        In other words, you can dish it but cant recieve.
        Have a great life.

      • Did I block you? Or delete your poorly written comments? No. I don’t care if you were offended and I didn’t require your lesson. I can take what I dish, the problem is you can’t dish it. Food or insults. Goodbye lowly cheese lady.

  4. I think blue cheese is disgusting and turns my stomach. Thankfully, where I live people prefer Monterrey Jack, Swiss, or spicy cheeses. I will remember the allergy excuse if gross blue cheese ever becomes popular here. 🙂

  5. I love the blue cheese…I do…it’s one of my favorites. However, I think that Monterey Jack is the devil. It’s flavorless shit, as is gouda. It’s just adding fat and no flavor. An extra helping of mold? Don’t mind if I do!

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  8. Thanks sir for directing me to the lovely subject of KNITTING! I do love to knit and crochet but only ondays or months that I feel the urge! Lots of time the darn thing never gets finished. By the time I get back to it I have forgotten which stich I was doing and had to learn it all over again. But really, I did enjoy your humor through out the article. I won’t even comment on the Blue (or is it green?) cheese! But thank for the tweet.
    Butterflykeeper

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