Blue cheese is slopped on everything. It’s in your salad, it’s on your wings, it’s smoldering in some rich lady’s fridge waiting to be inhaled at the next art council fundraiser. People would rather hear that you hate puppies before blue cheese. I tell people I’m allergic to it, that way they won’t be tempted to try and slip it past me for fear of me swelling up like a blowfish. I guess I’m not cultured enough to like it, but I’d rather suck on loose change than a hunk of Roquefort. Blue cheese has more reach than the FBI and it’s time for it to die.
First thing’s first, it’s rotten cheese. Not rotten in the sense that it has poor moral character, but rotten because it is riddled with mold. When any other food enters the state blue cheese is in, sane people look at it, deem it unsafe to eat and throw it in the garbage. But not blue cheese folks, no, they slather it on crackers and feign pleasure just like a Kardashian pretending to read a book.
Blue cheese has become a crutch for unimpressive chefs. They run out of ideas and then sprinkle rotten cheese crumbles over everything like some stalling child who can’t climb the rope in gym class. Many great dishes have been ruined by this filth. This is a horrible fad that simply will not go away. At least Disco produced some good songs; blue cheese has become the lasting love of the inept.
How was this tawdry excuse for food discovered? Who was the first idiot to see that the cheese had gone bad and decided to eat it anyway? French blue cheese companies would have you believe that the ancestors of their “craftsmen” invented it. Wikipedia says that Gorgonzola, a type of blue cheese for those even more boorish, has been made in Italy since 879 AD. Hopefully one day when our society is much more advanced, we will wonder why we decided to chronicle the history of how long we were willing to eat spoiled food.
Here are a few sorry ass historical figures that were known to be fans of blue cheese: Pliny the Elder, Charlemagne and Casanova. Pliny the Elder left us with some wonderful works of natural history. But he should have studied the natural history of volcanoes more closely because he was killed in Pompeii, that resort town below the smoldering ash of Vesuvius. Charlemagne was a great ruler born of a man named “Pepin the Short,” a king so powerless he couldn’t even demand a better nickname. Charlemagne lived to be 72 and ruled for 47 years over most of Europe, but died of “depression” presumably caused by his petulant love for rotten cheese. Casanova hardly lived up to his reputation. A man who spent most of his time either naked or in jail, his debauched lifestyle could only be trumped by his horrid taste in food. Remember these little historical nuggets so you can impress your friends the next time you find yourself eating moldy garbage at a party.
Even the hardened foodie must admit that blue cheese has run its course, especially since it’s now a condiment at Hardee’s. They will argue that it’s not “quality” cheese and that it isn’t fit for the discerning palate. But I would counter with the argument that mold only has one quality: shit.
I’m no picky eater; I just don’t eat things that have expired. All I am asking is that the next time you eat blue cheese think about what you are doing for a minute. It stinks and is full of stuff that, if someone had it all over his or her house, they’d have to hire men in HAZMAT suits to get rid of it. Like everything else infested with mold, blue cheese should be condemned forever.