Humor

Killing Blue Cheese

Yuck-Face-Little-Boy-ImageBlue cheese is slopped on everything. It’s in your salad, it’s on your wings, it’s smoldering in some rich lady’s fridge waiting to be inhaled at the next art council fundraiser. People would rather hear that you hate puppies before blue cheese. I tell people I’m allergic to it, that way they won’t be tempted to try and slip it past me for fear of me swelling up like a blowfish. I guess I’m not cultured enough to like it, but I’d rather suck on loose change than a hunk of Roquefort. Blue cheese has more reach than the FBI and it’s time for it to die.

First thing’s first, it’s rotten cheese. Not rotten in the sense that it has poor moral character, but rotten because it is riddled with mold. When any other food enters the state blue cheese is in, sane people look at it, deem it unsafe to eat and throw it in the garbage. But not blue cheese folks, no, they slather it on crackers and feign pleasure just like a Kardashian pretending to read a book.

Blue cheese has become a crutch for unimpressive chefs. They run out of ideas and then sprinkle rotten cheese crumbles over everything like some stalling child who can’t climb the rope in gym class. Many great dishes have been ruined by this filth. This is a horrible fad that simply will not go away. At least Disco produced some good songs; blue cheese has become the lasting love of the inept.

How was this tawdry excuse for food discovered? Who was the first idiot to see that the cheese had gone bad and decided to eat it anyway? French blue cheese companies would have you believe that the ancestors of their “craftsmen” invented it. Wikipedia says that Gorgonzola, a type of blue cheese for those even more boorish, has been made in Italy since 879 AD. Hopefully one day when our society is much more advanced, we will wonder why we decided to chronicle the history of how long we were willing to eat spoiled food.

5-Pliny-the-Elder-e1369865677982Here are a few sorry ass historical figures that were known to be fans of blue cheese: Pliny the Elder, Charlemagne and Casanova. Pliny the Elder left us with some wonderful works of natural history. But he should have studied the natural history of volcanoes more closely because he was killed in Pompeii, that resort town below the smoldering ash of Vesuvius. Charlemagne was a great ruler born of a man named “Pepin the Short,” a king so powerless he couldn’t even demand a better nickname. Charlemagne lived to be 72 and ruled for 47 years over most of Europe, but died of “depression” presumably caused by his petulant love for rotten cheese. Casanova hardly lived up to his reputation. A man who spent most of his time either naked or in jail, his debauched lifestyle could only be trumped by his horrid taste in food. Remember these little historical nuggets so you can impress your friends the next time you find yourself eating moldy garbage at a party.

Even the hardened foodie must admit that blue cheese has run its course, especially since it’s now a condiment at Hardee’s. They will argue that it’s not “quality” cheese and that it isn’t fit for the discerning palate. But I would counter with the argument that mold only has one quality: shit.

I’m no picky eater; I just don’t eat things that have expired.  All I am asking is that the next time you eat blue cheese think about what you are doing for a minute. It stinks and is full of stuff that, if someone had it all over his or her house, they’d have to hire men in HAZMAT suits to get rid of it. Like everything else infested with mold, blue cheese should be condemned forever.

135 thoughts on “Killing Blue Cheese”

  1. You might have to speak their language to get them to comply, something like, “The insipid appropriation of blue cheese by pedestrian establishments such as Hardees renders it quite passé, and therefore is to be disavowed by self-respecting epicures.”

    Like

  2. Sigh…..I LOVE blue cheese, the sharpness, the salt, and I always have it in the fridge. I am a square peg in a round hole, and spare only pity for those uncultured enough not to love cultured cheese. Heathens, the lot of you! 😀

    Like

  3. My husband and I always look forward to your blog! We read it out loud and laugh so much! This time he was especially happy because he hates blue cheese! I have sort of but not completely “acquired” a taste for it, but after reading this post, I’m going to quit working on acquiring that taste! Thanks for the laughter, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you!

    Like

  4. Reblogged this on Dixie Minor Winter Wish Thoughts and commented:
    I thought this was just so humorous, I decided to reblog it. Thomas Cochran’s posts are always funny, plus he had a Funk Music Friday link that he posts every, well, every Friday! This has nothing to do with St. Patrick’s Day,mbut I wish you a Happy St. Patric’s Day anyway, and hope the humor will brighten your day!

    Like

  5. I totally agree! Had a blue cheese and steak salad once and finished it just not to offend the boyfriend, since he made it and thought it was delicious. Never again will I eat mouldy cheese, but bring me some garlic Boursin any day of the week!

    Like

  6. Blue cheese has most certainly ruined a number of great dishes. People hide it in balsamiq dressing but a wolf dressed in sheeps clothing is still a wolf. Blurgh!

    Like

  7. Love blue cheese but your post still made me laugh. I have a son who feels exactly like you do. I keep trying to point out that all cheese is just bad milk anyway! 🙂

    Like

  8. Blue cheese is freaking disgusting. My mom puts in on everything and gives me the stink eye when i tell her it’s nasty. I don’t get it either… then again I like goat cheese and most people hate that. 😀

    Like

  9. I actually love blue cheese- but don’t eat it anymore since going dairy free. This makes me feel better about it. Love this post -funny, witty, & dry like a good martini. You make me laugh. Good stuff.

    Like

    1. Surely the smell gives it away! 😀 My mother-in-law hates anything she deems “stinky cheese”. We have nicknamed her thusly now. I adore Blue Cheese, and trust me, there’s a difference in Blue Cheese and BAD Blue Cheese (as in gone bad). Actually, I love everything cheese except the kinds with NO smell or taste. My sister thought goat cheese smelled and tasted like dirty socks. It’s a gene. 😉

      Like

  10. You’re hilarious!! I am allergic to both mold & cow-based dairy products. I found out blue cheese causes a “please kill me” reaction, after eating it in a fancy salad at an uppety bistro a couple of years ago. Horrific digestive & migraine drama for 2 days. NEVER AGAIN. I’ll stick to goat cheese, thanks. 😉

    Like

  11. HA! Great post-Modern Essay, loved it! 😀 I believe this is what the Lactose Intolerant/Allergy-people also define as, “Satanic Gastric Distress Disorder”…And, I’ll leave it on that low-note. PS. Isn’t that what cheese is? Or rather the point of it, beyond regular milk, curdled and aged to perfection with salt. Lactaid anyone? >:)

    Like

  12. Hi Thomas,
    I love the humor in your articles! It’s captivating and i totally agree with you about the people who are trying to convince you to try something you just hate…they just can’t respect your boundaries. It can be blue cheese or any other blue food…they will try to make you taste it 🙂 . So, stay strong, in the name of all blue cheese haters! 🙂
    I wanna thank you for visiting your blog, i’m honored and i appreciate so much your decision of following it. I’m also grateful to you for making me smile, i really enjoyed your writing style and i’m looking forward to read more.
    Blessings (and Cheers!),
    Carissa

    Like

  13. An aversion to food that it’s on it’s way to rotten is understandable. You could also point the finger at Yoghurt. Or ‘off milk’ as it should be known. A vile substance unaccountably associated with health giving properties and therefore sold in small pots consisting of more plastic than sour milk product. It does however cure you of all sorts of stomach problems, including flatulence.

    However I’m concerned that your diatribe against ‘live’ elements in food products – in name the lovely bacteria – will hasten the end of western civilization (I’m being generous here) when you consider that the production of bread relies on the fermentation process to produce yeast.. Worse this very same yeast – alive in some loathsome way – is the very same used in the production of beer. You must draw your own conclusions.

    Like

      1. Diatribe: And in this case, your disparaging tirade for reformation of all things Le Cordon Bleu, err Le Fromage Bleu. (Also a diatribe; a dialect; and dare I say très français ;P) Enough with the lingo…It was all fun and games until the Troll paddled in with the J-Stroke in his canoe, then portaged across your critique of cheese. C’est la vie. *pulls off a string from her Oaxaca queso…*om-nom-nom!

        Like

  14. Yep I’m that person I love blue cheese but what do I care I’m in league with the Devil ……btw he sends his regards

    Like

  15. Remember, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Blue Cheese falls into that category. It has the same health benefits as sucking on that handful of change you alluded to. It might make you as sick as a dog, but if you don’t die, you’ll be better for it.

    Like

  16. Blue cheese is the one cheese I can eat of it buckets…

    Give it to me on French toast, crackers, in soup, plain, with fruit… but stinking and colourful is how I like it! But really like the blog!

    Like

  17. Finally! Someone with enough sense to feel the same way about blue cheese as I do! It is horrid stuff! It’s vile! And it WAY TOO POPULAR! You can’t go anywhere without finding it lurking in the food! Ecchchchchchchchchcchchchchch!

    Like

  18. Kudos! No stinky cheese crosses my door step. That is beyond nasty and I’ll start using your excuse–I’m allergic also now.

    I’ve awarded you a Versatile Blogger award, but you will have to visit Kentucky Angel’s Train Wrecks to find it, because I don’t have a clue how to send it to you. It’s kinda cute though, so come on by and grab it. Angie

    Like

  19. I feel incredibly bad about being a potential buzz kill, but I’ve also just learned to accept myself for who I am; a wise-ass wanna-be know it all commentator at heart. I just took a cheese making class, and I have to tell you – there is only one cheese that hasn’t been left out repeatedly, for multiple days if not weeks in it’s milk-state at room temperature. Ricotta. It is made by having vinegar interact with dairy instead of bacteria and cultures.

    It was a little shocking actually to see just how long you’re supposed to leave even creme fraiche out. My advice to you – never take a cheese making class.

    For those of us that never grew out of eating cow brain tacos on a dare, well, we will go right on eating stinky cheeses because honestly at this point, there is no hope for us.

    Like

  20. Dear Mr Cochran – or may I call you Thomas? I am with you on the whole blue cheese schtick, but my husband adores it.
    We live in China, and getting western cheeses is not easy at the best of times – so recently when we had some young Chinese friends for dinner I went all out to serve a European style meal, ending with a cheese board and Port to drink with it. The reaction of my guests to the (extremely expensive) Roquefort cheese was one of absolute horror! They were almost gagging, it was as though I were offering poison on a plate. Having said that, this is the nation where ‘Stinky Tofu’ is thought of as a delicacy, so I won’t take any criticism from them about western foods!

    Like

  21. Honestly, blue cheese isn’t my condiment of choice. That said, I do like it on buffalo wings, and, I appreciate the historical perspective. 🙂

    Like

  22. This was funny, but I have to tell you…I’ve been addicted to blue cheese since I was a kid. It was love at first bite. I also used to eat white bread slathered with mustard and sprinkled with salt, so I’m sure it is just my extreme palate 😉

    Like

      1. I know! Believe me, I’ve taken a lot of shit my whole life for that weird childhood fetish.

        Like

  23. As a cheese lover, there are few I have not tasted. I used to have Blue Cheese on salads, until they came out with Ranch. I will still have it for a fall-back if a place doesn’t have Ranch, but it’s not preferred anymore.
    The one I cannot stand is Limburger. Whoa! Get the gas masks!
    Also, while we’re on the dairy-bashing subject, how about Buttermilk. My reaction to that is in line with your feelings of the cheese. I am sad to say that I love the taste of Buttermilk Ranch, though. I won’t make it, but I’ll buy it bottled.

    P.S. Thanks for following!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.