Someone Stole My Change

brokeI’ve been robbed. Recently, I have had some work done on my house while I was out of town. They stole $130 worth of nickels, dimes and quarters off of my desk. That number is an estimate because, while most of the change was meticulously rolled by hand, they also picked all the quarters and dimes out of my change dish. Now, I know you are asking yourself what kind of a dumb ass leaves cash out in the open when they are out of town knowing strangers will be in their house? This one. In my defense they were under a lot of papers so I didn’t think of hiding them before I left. What makes it worse is that I rolled them myself to avoid the fee at the Coinstar kiosk. So now I’m cheap and screwed.

There is absolutely no way of knowing who took the money. I obviously trust the guy I left in charge of the job. If I didn’t I’d be an even bigger idiot than these pages prove. Besides, if he wanted to steal from me he could simply pad the bill. But, you never know who he has working for him or whether or not they are addicted to Pac-man. So I’ve decided the only way to recoup my losses is to write this blog post, generate lots of buzz from the wonderful fans of “Covered in Beer,” and start hacking away at the gone $130, 57 cents in ad revenue at a time.

bonnie-and-clyde-posterIt could be a woman. Immediately in instances like this our heads think that the perpetrator is a man. Why? Women steal too. In fact, it makes more sense that this should be a woman because they love change. They have change purses. If you need a quarter, ask a woman because they have it. Men keep their change under sofa cushions. I made my living as a kid collecting the change in Dad’s chair that fell out of his pockets. Nice work if you can get it.

Maybe they live near a toll road? Nothing is more infuriating than not having enough change at a toll road. Well, plenty of things are but they aren’t relevant to this paragraph. Tollbooth workers can be vicious while they watch you dig through the crumbs on your floorboard for that elusive dime. They go from not saying anything to maybe saying, “we haven’t got all day,” even though they do because that’s where they work. I guess this guy was sick of their smug attitude and wanted to just hear them not say thank you as he handed them my change for the toll for the next 20 or so years.

If they are caught, I’d like to be repaid in pennies collected from the take-a-penny dishes in gas stations in seedy neighborhoods across the country. The money came from the center console of my car. It had accumulated over years of drive-thru window visits. I’m no Slim Pickens, but I’m not in “My 600 lb Life” either. It took a lot of Bojangle biscuit visits to get $130 in change. Then I rolled it up like some cheap hoarder, which took hours. So, the punishment should fit the crime. At least it should fit the time of the crime. At least… I just wanted to write take-a-penny dish and seedy neighborhood.

All that change is heavy, so I hope it created a humorous situation while in his pants. I hope they weighed his pants down so they fell around his ankles, exposing his streaky underwear to a group of ladies. I hope that while he was walking, the change pinged one of his testicles, causing pain and breathless cries of “oh dammit.” I hope his wife takes the cash and buys a week’s worth of horrendous dinners, filled with blue cheese and other rancid ingredients, which he will have to endure with a straight face. I hope the weight of the coins pressed against his kidneys, dislodging a jagged calcium deposit, which won’t pass until halftime of a sporting event when the urinals have lines 15 people deep. Karma’s a bitch.

bingo-stereotype$130 isn’t going to kill me. I hope the guy really needed it and puts it to good use instead of buying scratch-off tickets or blowing it at the bingo parlor (that’s called a “redneck parlay”) But he’s probably just a turd. If I ever solve this case I’ll let you know. In the meantime I’m off to the arcade to look for suspects, specifically dudes that look “handy.” “Here, hold this screwdriver.” If he holds it correctly, he’s on the list.

 

 

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56 thoughts on “Someone Stole My Change

  1. I have found that what was stolen isn’t as big an issue with as the FACT it was taken. It is a violation of trust. You should have been able to leave it out in the open and that person shouldn’t have taken it. Since you trust the guy in charge of the job…he then should have hired people above reproach if he is going to have them come into homes with him. It’s not like you left an iPad or something out on your front doorstep. This is his ass on the line also….. I have had things stolen before in situations I should have been able to trust. The utter feeling of being violated was a lot harder for me to overcome than the actual item that was stolen. I’m sorry for what happened…but if I were you, I would have pulled the guy you hired aside and tell him. Because NEXT time it might not be change…..it may be something much more valuable and someone will go to jail. Just sayin……

  2. Someone stole our cheap $30 BBQ grill a few years ago. We saw him shove it in the trunk of his car, parked at the end of our driveway. Little did he know it was full of ashes, so at least we had a sense of satisfaction in knowing that he made a royal mess in his car. People will steal anything. Sorry about your coins.

  3. Excuse the language (well, not really), but it must have taken a big pair of cojones to do that. I’d be looking for the guy with the (now) XXXL pair.
    People really suck sometimes. Sorry to hear about this, but glad you found a “constructive” way to vent.

  4. Bummer. I’m cheap about rolling my change, too. I never pay to use a machine. I usually take it to the bank and let them deal with it. I’ve got about $70 rolled in pennies and tons of coins my husband and I haven’t done anything with except throw them into a bowl. Guess you’re not the only one looking for trouble, mister… 😉

      • People! There is no need to roll change any longer! Your bank will do all of the work for FREE!! 😀 Just take it all in a plastic bag (they transfer it into their own plastic bag), put your account number in the proper slot, and voila! Instant (well, more like 4-5 days) deposit! No cost to you.

        I love this post. Except it reminded me of the time a kid (the window they came through was too small for an adult) broke into my apartment (second floor, mind you) and stole jewelry, clothing … it was weird. The most expensive small item I had was a hardcover Ryrie Study Bible they pulled out of the overnight bag (they stole the bag and other contents), laid on the table and left behind. I guess even though it was worth $50 it wasn’t worth the guilt they would feel stealing a Bible! LOL

  5. I’m going to treat this as a cautionary tale. I have several pitchers full of change all over my house — I, too, am too cheap to pay Coinstar’s usurious 7%. The carpet guys are coming next week. Do you think if I dressed the pitchers up in bandanas and scarves I might avoid your fate?

  6. Sorry to hear about this. Construction person may have left the door unlocked while in there, or, I hate to say it, but a friend who knew you were out of town? It happened that way to my daughter.

  7. The short version is, I got a call from my husband a few yrs, ago when he was working in Vietnam. He wanted to know why I was cashing so many checks, sometimes multiple checks on the same day at different locations. In a literal panic, I viewed the checks online. The $2,700 in checks were written by my housekeeper who also doubled as a riding buddy/friend for almost 20 yrs.. When we reported this to the deputy sheriff, he said she had a history of theft and, by the way, did she steal any jewelry? With a crushed heart, I went home and discovered all my good jewelry had been stolen. I later found out it had been sold to a jewelry store in Aug. of the year before!!! How does something like that go undiscovered for so long, you ask? I really don’t like to wear jewelry. I live on a farm, and my horses don’t appreciate it. Most of it was given to me by my grandmother, parents and husband over many years, and I was saving it to give to my grandchildren one day. Now when my husband gives me a gift, it’s usually jewelry – great! – to be placed in the new gun safe for safe keeping until my granddaughter is old enough for it. Oh, yes – the icing on the cake was that she also stole my spare change and left me the empty coffee can.

  8. I am sorry you had this crappy experience. We were stolen from during the process of packing up our belongings to ship across the Atlantic. The items stolen were literally irreplaceable and had financial and sentimental value but what stung thd most was that someone who had spent all day in my house, having me make endless cups of coffee, eating my cookies, meeting my kids, still felt it was acceptable to pocket our belongings. And we paid to have a thief in our house too. Some people sell their moral compasses so cheaply too.

  9. I’m sorry about the cash but it’s about someone going through your things too. You did turn it into an amusing post. I also hope his cojones were badly bruised and incapable of action for a while! (You certainly bring out the worst in me!)

  10. Loved your post, as always. But. . . I’m sorry the source for the humor was this bad experience. 😔 just after I read this, we realized that one of our nice, Revere Ware pots is missing, the smallest one, but not the lid. Really??? Did someone really take this??? It doesn’t seem likely. . . but it’s not something you would “lose” either. It’s kinda driving me crazy just that I don’t know what happened. . . I’m trying to let it go. #notgoodatthat

  11. Well , this post , given the comments , ain’t so much humor as you had intended . I find THAT kind of funny . What if the thief , on his way out of you house , tried jumping over a flood channel ( river ? what ? ) but didn’t quite make it , lost his/her footing , and was weighted down by the coins and drowned . Too brutal ?

  12. Its never good when someone steals from you. Yeah, losing things sucks, especially for those who need every penny they have; but it shaves yet another piece of comfort from our perception of anonimity within the world of real ugliness that exists in large and small ways. And once you realize it isn’t just seedy, criminal minded individuals that steal, that bubble of safety gets burst pretty quickly. I always warned my kids against bringing friends we did not know well traipsing through the house while I wasn’t home-for various reasons. Sure enough after one such visit involving a would be girlfriend, my favorite pair of silver cross earrings went missing. Of course I had left them lying where I had taken them off. Why wouldn’t I? MY house. MY space. It still galls me to know that people don’t raise their kids to understand that stealing is wrong.

  13. $130 in loose change? God now that is effort! Erg it always sucks when you realise something has been taken, I don’t get how people don’t feel bad about doing it. What do they tell themselves I wonder.

  14. This is why I insist on only playing for things with plastic…no change to be had in this house…and if anyone ever tried to mug me they would be quite disappointed. Crummy that this happened to you though. Next time buy a piggy bank 😉

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