Flight 1735

Recently, I was on an airplane. I had to write this post in order to distract myself from the horrors.

750This flight is like a doctor’s office waiting room in the heart of Mumbai during a plague outbreak. It’s May; cold and flu season is far behind us and yet the last twenty-five people to get sick are in rows 10-18. I’m in 11 so I have no chance at avoiding the projectile germs being hurled in my direction over the four hours of flight time. I wonder if there is any Clorox bleach on board that I can gargle with? Or maybe the blue toilet water would work?

There’s turbulence. Luckily, I’m on the window, which is my preferred seat. I hope I don’t have to pee though, because the amount of flubber that would have to be moved to get past the giants next to me might require a unionized crew. (I’m fat to, so cool it with the “fat-shaming” complaints) I’m worried about the integrity of the bolts holding this row of seats in place. With every turbulent jerk of the plane my row jiggles like a new flavor being highlighted in a Jell-O commercial.cosby-jello

The guy next to me is sneezing. The guy in front of me is coughing. Behind me is an orchestra of hacks and gurgles that would puzzle even the savviest of doctors. Pleasure flight.

The drink service begins and my brain temporarily quits wondering which part of this giant cocktail of germs is going to infect me. The schlub on the isle fills his tray table with “Meioma” Pinot Noir. I think that’s Italian for skin cancer. Like you do, he’s added ice to his voluptuous red. Not to be out done, the hairy Indian fellow in the center seat got a Jack and water. Nothing wrong there except he paired it with the $9.00 “Asian-chicken salad.” Again, that is fine, but he ate the salad without the dressing and then spooned the dressing into his mouth like some sort of deranged Paul Newman. It took all my strength to hold down my ginger ale.

Cough, sneeze, cough, sneeze… I wish US Air had a “Bubble Boy” costume for purchase. I’m taking sips of breath like I’m trapped in an airtight bank vault with a limited air supply. I am comfortable, though, because the salad-dressing-is-soup man’s hairy armpit is resting softly on my arm like some disgusting elbow Snuggie.

sexy-flight-attendants-10The flight attendants are gorgeous. I mean knockout. I mean they are really Sports Illustrated swimsuit models participating in a social experiment posing as flight attendants. It is just like the old, sexist days. I wasn’t alive then, but I feel as though I’m there now. This is definitely easing the stress caused by the haze of hair and expelled germs swarming me. It’s nice when they walk down the isle, but the guy in the center seat has fallen asleep with his arms on his head. So if I follow the attendants with my eyes, as they get parallel to our row, I’m shocked back into reality with a face-to-armpit cold shower.

That’s about it for the flight. It’s not the worst I’ve ever been on, but it was close. No real fault of the airline, just the gross people that happened to all be on the same plane. Lucky me. I would however like to take an unpopular position regarding the TSA. Can we give these people a break? I know there have been horror stories, but for the most part, I think they do a pretty good job. Their regulations can be obnoxious but that’s not the fault of theAirport too many bags checkpoint workers. The people we should be blaming are the ones who love to complain about the TSA during the screening process. It does zero good to argue with these people, so stop it! The airlines are to blame as for charging for checked bags. Now everyone carries everything on the plane, which makes security take that much longer. We all know the procedure by now, so get your shoes off, send your bags through the machine, expose yourself to a little radiation and be quiet. It sucks for everyone; you’re not special.

I especially enjoyed being behind a woman who had about eight trays worth of crap she had to take off. After we got through the x-ray, she stopped on the other side of it and made everyone wait while she reassembled her wardrobe, holding the rest of earth up. I’m sure the lady behind me with only one arm appreciated the extra inconvenience.

I know it’s hacky to bitch about air travel, but I did it anyway. Airlines are only flying 300 people and all their flab and junk 2500 miles, thousands of times a day; you’d think we cut them some slack. Nah.



28 thoughts on “Flight 1735”

  1. This may be one of your best ones yet ! Hilarious. I especially like the cheap red wine (Italian skin cancer) and the guy drinking the salad dressing !! I have been on several flights lately and my biggest complaint is all the carry on luggage – takes forever to board a plane. I still check mine as I am too short ( and old) to lift it over my head and not hurt someone ( or me) ! Can’t wait for your next one !


  2. I had a slightly rickety flight from Luxembourg to Geneva in the 90s I sat down on my seat and the damn thing moved due to loose bolts! By the time we arrived, I was in a nervous sweat, had a thumping anxiety headache, and felt like kissing the ground when I got off!


  3. Thomas…spawn of Thomas. Beautifully articulated. I have had my butt in an airplane seat for 51 years, and you would think the process of getting to point B from point A would have improved dramatically in 5 decades. WRONG, and airline management is totally to blame. How can an industry with overflowing and unwitting customers…who are forced to fly for understandable reasons, (which translates into huge profits if managed properly), lose money while depriving their
    passengers of comfort. We shall soon wind up with perhaps only 5 total airlines due to union forced consolidation, and then watch out. Bigger is not better and only 5 means higher prices and more abuse. So, just my 2 cents.


  4. I feel like washing my hands in disinfectant after reading about those ill people that surrounded you. Flying is awful, but at least this experience gave the rest of us a laugh.


  5. Public transport of any kind is only bad because of the general public using it in my experience. I think I’ve had a few flights like that myself. The last one there was a family with about sixteen big bags of sweets. The father proceeded to open them one by one and then eat them all while the children cried because he wouldn’t share. I wanted to choke him by the end of the four hour flight. Had it been long haul I may not have been able to control myself.


  6. LOL! You made my day, pardner. Or rather yanked me out of that post lunch slumber I was about to slip into with all that scare of germs , virus and suspicious armpits. Speak of Armageddon…. or was it more like World War Z?

    Having said that, I might venture to prophesy that your next flight out- to Bermuda or Bombay or for that matter to Timbuktu, would be no better. So as you see yourself not able to change your situation, how could you change your response towards it?

    Glad to hear back, pardner!



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