None of these suggestions are intended to treat or cure any disease. Don’t listen to any of it. The FDA hasn’t reviewed them either. Those are the same morons who gave us the “Food Pyramid” that made us all fat in the first place.
About two months ago I was online ordering some even larger pants and I came to the conclusion it was time to maybe reevaluate my lifestyle and diet. I didn’t do it for New Years because a few years ago I made a resolution not to make any more resolutions and it’s the only one I’ve ever stuck to. No, I did it because I got tired of feeling like every shirt I own is really a sausage casing. And I like breasts but I don’t really like having a pair of my own. So I decided to try and stick to a lower calorie diet and exercise more often than the “never” I was doing before. So, here are some tips if you are interested in a half-assed diet plan to hopefully cut your ass in half.
The smart phone really makes counting calories easy. Since being lazy is the reason I got fat in the first place, this was perfect for me. The app I use is called “My Fitness Pal.” “Pal” is such an annoying word that I almost dumped it like I did the last person who called me “Pal,” but as Rodney Dangerfield said, “what’s in a name?” The nice thing about this app is that you control the settings instead of it telling you how much you should be eating. If you want to set your daily calorie limit to “walrus” that is your prerogative. I set mine to “baby seal.” I also like this app because you can scan the barcode of almost all the junk you eat and it automatically uploads all the nutrition information for said junk.
One problem with using a calorie counting app is that you can’t really admit you’re drinking. Once you enter a session of Coors Lights into it, you might as well open a bag of chips, sniff it for a minute and then go to bed because you have no more calories left for the day. That is definitely the biggest lie I’ve ever told my phone. If I hadn’t been drinking all this time, I’d look like Bruce Jenner by now. Er, bad example. If I hadn’t been drinking all this time, I’d look like (you fill it in, just don’t use Bruce Jenner). I will say that using the counting app has helped me cut down on the beer. I realized how dumb it was to sit on my can and drink 4-5 beers a night just because. You don’t get drunk and those are calories you could use for much better things like eating a big ole piece of pie. Kidding, but you get the point. For the nights that you do get drunk, well, whoops.
Some things have calories in them that shouldn’t, like fruit. One thing I have definitely changed is the amount of fruit I eat. I’m eating oranges like a scurvy-ridden pirate. But it pisses me off when you enter a banana into the app and it has 110 damn calories. I know these are “good” calories but give me a break. If you are short for the day, deleting the fruit will get you back on track. I’m not saying don’t eat it, I’m saying don’t count it. It’s fruit, not cheesecake, so I think we will be ok. Beer and fruit, it’s what we lie about eating.
Buy a Nutri-bullet. I love this thing. They used to be advertised in infomercials before the health craze as the “Magic Bullet.” Then some geniuses rebranded it as the “Nutri-bullet” and bought a second, second home. I think it could turn a brick into a smoothie. I use it to eat stuff I hate. You could use it for margaritas if you’re in to that sort of thing. Make a kale margarita and you’re killing two birds with one blender.
Sugar really is a bastard. Bastards hide it in stuff like “non-fat yogurt,” “energy bars” and “vitamin water.” Bastards give that stuff healthy names and say “0” fat and then pump it with so much sugar that if you eat it, your toe falls off. It really is amazing when you begin to pay attention to the stuff you eat how much of it has tons of sugar. Luckily, I don’t have a sweet tooth nor do I drink sodas but there’s always the beer. I’m covered in it (Boooooo). Like everything, I eat sugar in moderation and I have tried to cut down on my intake. Instead of eating flavored yogurt, I’m putting boring plain yogurt into the Nutri-bullet and adding my own fruit, which doesn’t count. Bastards.
Eat stuff that doesn’t have any calories in them like pickles. Ok, they have like 5 calories, but come on, if we aren’t counting bananas. Boxes of “popcorn chips” or flavored rice cakes, usually with a dumb looking woman on the box, are pretty good too. They aren’t great but they do keep you busy. You could probably also eat five pounds of spinach and get full but we aren’t cows. How do they get so fat eating grass?
Calorie counting is dumb. This post is more about learning how to eat better so LL Bean doesn’t run out of elastic to hide in the waistline of my new bigger pants. I gained a lot of weight over a long period of time, so it’s going to take some time to get rid of it. I did some sit-ups today that looked like someone trying to fold a loaf of bread in half (which I don’t even eat any more). But, I’m going to keep trying. Who knows, it just might work.