Well, here it is. Wedding season again. Doesn’t it seem like we are spending an exorbitant amount of money on things with an over 50% fail rate? Not your wedding of course, OTHER people’s weddings. Anyway, it is that time again to dust off the tux and pray the fibers hold steady so your cummerbund doesn’t sling shot off of you and nail some old lady mid-matrimony.
Try on All Your Clothes
Seriously, you don’t want this to be you. My grandfather, “Big Daddy,” made this mistake before my parents’ wedding. He neglected to try on his rental and they had mistakenly given him a 30” waist pair of pants. Needless to say, Big Daddy could only get one leg into a pair of 30”-ers.
Those bastards at the dry cleaners shrunk all of my nice clothes oddly a few months after I had quit smoking. I thought about suing them, but who has the time? I realized last year that I was in desperate need of what I like to call a Fat Tux. So I set out to get one. I knew I was on the right track at Jos. A Bank when the salesman said, “I think we have some more fabric in the back.” Good, Charlie, and throw in 40 neckties and 30 shoehorns, isn’t that the deal you have going this week? Wrap it up. Fat Tux took me about a month to procure (killed two haberdashers in the process). But, I have yet to wear it in its entirety because I’m a moron, as you will see.
Tuxedos are stupid things invented by jealous women who thought men needed complicated clothes to wear too. So complicated in fact that men needed a gentleman’s gentleman to help the poor pompous fop put the thing on every evening. Well, we’ve lost the fop’s man, but the annoying garment still remains.
When it came time for me to put on the Fat Tux, I got all the way to the end and then screwed up. I was so happy to have all the other junk on that I blindly reached into my closet and pulled out what I thought was my Fat Tux jacket but was instead a damn Fat Blue Blazer. Then I shuffled off to the wedding in the only tux jacket on earth that had giant brass buttons on the sleeves. I went to the wedding with my parents and they didn’t even notice my mistake until it was too late to change. My mother could spot a missing thread in 300 thread-count sheets but she missed the brass buttons gleaming on my Fat Blue Blazer Tux. So Try on all your crap and look in the mirror before you go.
Print the Dress Code on the Invitation, Please
At Downton Abbey, if one comes to dinner in his whites instead of his blacks for a 5:30 seating, what a fool he will look. Yuck. That time is long since gone, thank goodness, but some of its dumb traditions remain. I had to Google the dress for an upcoming wedding because I’m a guy. It said, “for a 5:30 wedding where the invitation isn’t engraved the dress is…” and then I lost interest and I’m wearing Fat Tux. Please, I’m begging, please put the dress code on the invitations if you are going to invite schmucks like me. I was invited to a very formal, very nice engagement party a while back and was disastrously underdressed because the invitation said nothing. They assumed everyone just knew. Well, they assumed wrong because ole Chunky here dresses for comfort unless otherwise instructed. Needless to say, I was getting that Downton Abbey stink-eye all night, which is more a reflection of those snob losers and not my ignorant knowledge of hidden invitation secret messages. “The paper is two-ply cardboard you must wear leather shoes!” Ok, Illuminati, spell it out next time.
Dress Shoes Stink
Shoes designed for looks and not comfort should be outlawed. I’m so tired of women complaining that their feet hurt in shoes they bought and wore voluntarily. That’s a “you” problem and you are getting what you deserve. And, by the way, the solution to this is not to take them off and walk around barefooted. The only people who notice your shoes are other women, so at the next meeting hash this out and stop complaining. Like the tux, women designed men’s dress shoes to be uncomfortable because they are jealous. I’m pretty sure they are designed to completely cut off circulation so your feet come right off with the shoes because they are impossible to take off otherwise. Some padding and arch support won’t kill the mood. In fact, it will improve it.
More Advice from a Reluctant Wedding Goer
I’m very flattered that you’ve invited me, now can I have a regular beer? Having expensive craft beer junk as the only option at your wedding is going to piss off the common schlub like me. It’s not going to kill you to offer a Coors light. You can even ridicule my taste in beer as I drink it; I don’t care as long as I can satisfy it.
Eat some food, alchie. This is more of a personal note. I hate eating food at parties.
Stupid, I know, but I don’t need the world watching while I shove 20 pigs-in-a-blanket into a pig-in-a-tux. But, you must eat to avoid making the drunken spectacle of yourself, so do it early. Cram some kreplachs down your gullet as soon as you get there so you can enjoy the entire party upright.
Don’t be the “band buddy.” The band or DJ is there to work, not be your friend. Stop bothering them. They don’t want you on stage, they don’t need your requests and the bass man knows he’s good without your compliments. You can’t dance, either, so stop doing that too.
Since I’m a man, I’m sure I am wrong about everything in this post. Please feel free to correct me below. Cento Anni.
I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard a man accuse a woman of designing uncomfortable shoes. It made me smile. 🙂 I agree with you though, if they want people to dress a certain way, they need to specify. Otherwise I’m dressing comfortable too… and I never wear heels (which were designed by a man… just so’s you know 😛 )
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know, but y’all still buy them…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Heels? Not me. This body doesn’t wear heels. 😛
LikeLike
OMG I love this, especially the pigs in a blanket comment. I had “pigs” last night myself. I just got an invite that said “festive casual” – what is that ? I’ve had 3 women call me and ask what to wear ! Next time I see you at a wedding I will force you to dance with me !
LikeLike
I hope soon!
LikeLike
Yes, the pigs in a blanket line made me cry tears of joy! LOVE! 😀
LikeLike
I feel like if everyone at a party or fancy even took the 21 and over version of the “Pepsi challenge,” we would all choose the Coors light.
LikeLike
“Nobody” likes it but when given a choice, it’s the first beer to disappear
LikeLike
I feel your pain, as a fellow southerner raised in the era of appropriateness. I do, have a question – kreplach?? It’s what precisely? A Charleston thing?
LikeLike
It’s a Seinfeld reference. Kramer was making it as a part of his “Jewish Singles” party. If someone got that, I would be impressed.
LikeLike
I enjoyed this, immensely. A man writing the truth about how both sexes feel toward the attire issue. We are all clueless these days. We’re bound to make a faux pas. We can’t kick ourselves. I think we should all agree that if the host/hostess can’t take the time to give us a “heads-up” then the best we can do is dress for comfort. After all, didn’t we get the invite with the expectation that we’d bring a gift or a bundle of cash? Just think about it. We should dress for comfort, eat and drink to our hearts content and, as a thank-you, see how many people we can get to stand on the tables and dance like there is no tomorrow.
I can’t apologize. I’m simply happy to know that I’m not the only one walking around in a fog when I get the invites.
Thanks for making my day. 🙂
LikeLike
this guy gets it. I haven’t laughed this hard since 84 year old wife farted while she was sweeping the kitchen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice, “Morty”
LikeLike
Please start a blog and tell us about this fart
LikeLike
I wish they would, but it’s one of my dummy friends.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So you’re saying I’ll never hear more about the fart?
LikeLike
Possibly not…
LikeLike
Devo
LikeLike
Love this and btw gay men design clothes, not women! I got an invitation with dressy casual as the dress code. What the hell is that? I wore business casual and passed ok. And about beer, do people really like that craft stuff? My husband sneaks in a cooler of Coors Light and puts it behind the bushes.
LikeLike
I knew I liked your husband.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You had me at spending money on something with a 50% fail rate.
LikeLike
Perfect
LikeLike
That’s funny stuff. I loved it, right up to the end, when you insulted my dance moves. You obviously haven’t seen my “running man”. My family loves it when I pull that one out at weddings. I think.
LikeLike
Thank you very much.
LikeLike
Very funny, Thomas! You’re right about your grandfather getting the wrong pants for my wedding! My mother refused to get involved in the drama saying cooly, “Mike, if you can’t find some pants to wear, you just can’t be in the wedding.” Happy Families!! Love you, Mom
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Judah First and commented:
I haven’t laughed this hard in over a month! Hilarious, every word. Enjoy! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very kind, thank you.
LikeLike
There you are! Happy Easter and the reason we go to weddings is for the music, new friendships and the food!
LikeLike
Ugh. I’m dreading a “husband’s friend’s” wedding. So it has all the awkwardness of a normal wedding, but I won’t really know anyone either. Also I’m pregnant, my feet are swollen, I don’t have anything to wear, and I obviously can’t drink.
LikeLike
Don’t worry, once you go, you’ll be able to hold it against him for years to come. It will be a gold mine
LikeLike
Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a thirty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple
ipad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off
topic but I had to share it with someone!
LikeLike