Sitting here in my Charleston, SC apartment, looking out the window at an overcast but otherwise pleasant day, I can’t help but have a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think the cause is pent up douche chills that will inevitably flow on this, the worst American tradition, April Fools Day. I think in the distance, you can hear the cries of an unborn child who doesn’t really exist because some woman thinks it’s funny to fake a pregnancy and end all trust she shared with her partner because it’s the first of April.
Here’s how to tell if you are an unfunny bore: you love April Fools Day. Farts are fantastic, but not if they come out of a rubber bag filled with air. Take a look around your office. If there is a guy or girl in there who said this morning, “look out, pro prankster coming through,” kick them in their respective genitals and say “April Fools!” The pranks I love are the ones that backfire. The girl who thinks it’s hilarious to pretend break-up with their boyfriend via text only to receive return texts of elation because the poor man is finally free from the clutches of this dolt. I love this video where some dummy in a mask jumps out of a trashcan to scare a guy and then gets punched in the face. These folks got what they deserved.
I was going to do some research into the origin of this stupid day, but I decided to instead make some stuff up. I’m sure the history is cringe worthy, so I’d rather not know it. For instance, I’m sure some powdered wig wearing Duke of some land with a silent “c” in its name threw a cow turd on a peasant and had a hearty laugh. Now it’s decreed that everyone must pelt peasants with turds on April Fools Day. Or a bar wench whizzed in someone’s lager and the bar erupted into laughter and now two hundred years later, fake dog doo doo sales skyrocket every spring.
April Fools day is adult swim time in the Facebook and Twitter cesspool. I hate to admit that I am guilty of Twitter. I do enjoy firing a well-worded insult at a dummy (like I did yesterday) that engages me in conversation and then takes offense at what I say. Lady, you called me. It’s a guilty pleasure and I am ashamed of myself so save your patronizing. But social media, like it does most things, have made this day worse. Someone tweets that Neil deGrasse Tyson is really a lesbian from Ontario and seemingly otherwise intelligent adults have 140 character fits believing it. Facebook, a worthless invention in my opinion, is teeming with fake engagements today. Eight million “congratulations” have been written by trusting people only to find out that their “friends” are uncreative jerks. Dump these losers.
I’m not anti-prank; I’m anti your pranks because they stink. As a kid, I loved the show “Jackass” and I played the “Tom Mabe’s Revenge on Telemarketers” CD a thousand times. Comedian Roy Wood Jr. also has done some really funny prank calls. But the difference between this and what you do to your coworker who smells like raisins is that they are professionals. They have something at stake: their careers. All you are doing is needlessly needling people who like you. And, if people put up with your pranks, it’s probably because they know that’s all you have in life, one giant fart machine.
Another good reason to cancel April Fools day is because America can’t take a joke anymore. Do you want to know who is worse than that prankster who thinks he is funny? The “inevitably outraged.” They are people who walk around in a perpetual state of “offended.” In fact, I prefer the prankster one thousand times more than these constant jerks who plague our society with their whiny outrage at everything. I’m sure, right now, there is an issued apology or retraction by some paper or website because an author tried to write like The Onion and make a funny, fake headline and offended these dregs. (Here is one!) Context is meaningless. Intent doesn’t matter. These people (yes THESE PEOPLE) are in love with being offended and they should be given about as much attention as belly button lint. So maybe I’m wrong? Maybe we should all write a goofy, April Fools-like headline, offend these people and then tell them to please shut up (preferably including a word that starts with “f”).
Damn, I hope this hasn’t come off as some humorless scold’s thought piece. It’s not supposed to be that. I love adolescent humor. The other day I farted and drug it down a whole isle at the grocery store and laughed for an hour. I guess my point is that I’d like to end the silly tradition of April Fools because the great majority of the pranks stink. How many of you woke up today, watched the morning news and heard “Square Rainy” the meteorologist lie and claim ridiculous weather is coming only to laugh at his cleverness later in the broadcast? I’m guessing way too many of you. Let’s band together and end this stupid tradition. Or you could just ignore it and move on with your life, which is what I think I’m going to do.