Enough Bacon

Hipsters have ruined bacon. I have a sack of it in my fridge, but I don’t celebrate it like some Wiccan stump worshiper. I pretty much only eat it in the summer with good tomatoes. It doesn’t have to be on every damn thing. Bacon has basically become a condiment in the US. Soon, there will be a plate of it next to the salt on every table. It’s time to say enough with this bacon obsession. Things have gotten out of hand. Just look at Arby’s.

Most of the bacon we eat stinks. When I am at a diner, I have to order my bacon well done. Otherwise it’s going to be limp soggy strips of trichinosis. I’m sorry, but quit serving this crap bacon and people, quit eating it. Does anyone like chewy bacon? Bacon is easy to cook and it takes a nuclear reaction to burn it so short order cooks, give it another minute before you shoot it down the line.

BaconFreak.com is a website about pre natal care. No, it’s about bacon. Sorry, I just got tired of writing bacon for a minute. In terms of earth’s history, the opportunity for hobbies and interests is at an all time high. For most of human history, we had to spend so much time trying to stay alive that we had no time for hobbies. Now, with all those options, you choose bacon? BaconFreak.com (please don’t click it) even has bacon-scented candles. This is how I imagine a scene with someone who owns one of these candles:

“Hey, what’s that smell Barb”?

“It’s my bacon scented candle, Joan.”

Clunk is the sound made as Joan whacks Barb with a socket wrench.

People are trying to make bacon healthier by selling uncured versions. Pardon, but uncured bacon isn’t bacon. I had the pleasure of sampling some of this recently on a family vacation. Uncured bacon tastes like the feeling you get when you pull a hair out of your mouth alone in your house that isn’t yours. I had to add salt. To bacon. Salt. Just eat the regular stuff if you’re going to have bacon. I was going to shit on turkey bacon but actually, they make that stuff taste pretty good. I appreciate the effort.

The problem with this article is that bacon is good. I mean really good. Bacon is so good that someone you know has said before, “you could put bacon on a piece of dog do and it’d taste pretty good to me.” It wouldn’t, but bacon is so good, somebody in your life has said it would, or maybe you did. I think that in all of our doting, we have bastardized bacon. It’s good, but we don’t need a “bacon of the month club.” Look in the grocery store, there’s bacon jerky now. No no no. Bacon is supposed to be special. But if “I heart bacon” is on your shirt while sitting in “Baconland” eating soggy bacon sandwiches, it no longer is special. Get rid of BaconFreak.com. Have two pieces well done with eggs over-easy once a week and enjoy.

12 thoughts on “Enough Bacon”

  1. Ah now, I had a discussion just this evening with my brother. Bacon fat is one of my permitted luxuries. Chewy if I’m in the mood. Crispy if it’s done right. Mmmm.. kind of crumbly. Almost powdery. Further, I can’t resist stealing everybody fat from lamb and pork chops after they’ve politely left it on the side of their plates.

    I agree though. Put bacon where it ought to be and not sprinkled on everything. Bacon is a food in its own right.


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