Save Daylight Saving Time

Next week most Americans will participate in one of the country’s dumbest traditions. No, it’s not picking which one of the two numbskulls we want to head our government. It’s setting our clocks back to “standard” time. In our increasingly connected world, can’t we do away with this practice?

Most of the articles I read on the subject suggested we should quit Daylight Saving Time, but those people are just annoying contrarians. I figure most of us like when the day is longer. So instead of fooling with our internal and external clocks, let’s set DST and leave it alone.

The naked mole rat is an animal that never sees the sun. It’s a horrible looking creature that is forced to live its thirty-year existence blind and under ground. It has evolved to not feel any pain as a way to cope with its miserable life. Except for a few people who attended political rallies this season, we are not naked mole rats. We need daylight to function, so ending daylight saving time makes no sense.

I realize that it isn’t actually the government making the day shorter. It’s the rotation of the earth on its axis and around the sun that does. But I’m sure a few of our congressmen believe that they actually do make the day shorter. After all, one congressman thought Guam could capsize. But I don’t know why we are manipulating the hours we experience the daylight. Time zones are based on the sun and not meddling politicians coming up with something to do in order to protect their phony baloney jobs. Our clocks should be too; all the time. The Mayans tried to manipulate time and look at them now.

One of the many (one) articles I read arguing against DST said that it was dangerous because “more heart attacks occurred during daylight hours.” They concluded that if you
extend daylight hours, more heart attacks would occur during that time. This was a local CBS news affiliate that produced this Einstein-like theory. It’s a wonder why most people are fed up with the media. If I had been the editor of this genius, I would have countered with, “Well, there probably would be more puppies born during the day as well,” and watched their dumb head explode.

I just like the daytime. Do you know who loves it when nighttime comes early? Guys who own unmarked white vans. If you support guys who own unmarked white vans, then vote for my opponent who just loves standard time. Sorry, this election season has gotten to me.

I’m not one of these survivalist guys who don’t want the government dictating anything to them like time, nor am I someone from Arizona; I just think we should leave our clocks alone. Days will still be longer in the summer and shorter in the winter. Can’t we just try this for a year? They never try anything. If it stinks, we’ll go back to appeasing the van people.