Essay

Green Purple-People Eater

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Nothing to do with the post. Just a nice picture of James Island, South Carolina

If you are reading this, then you are probably like me. They would never guide you to this post. You have to find blogs like this on your own. They do their best to keep a lid on posts like this written by authors like me because I have dedicated my whole life to being green. 

I have been green for as long as I can remember. You cannot be born green; you have to learn how to be green. I had opinions about green even before I knew what I was talking about. Even though I probably sounded like a parrot, I’m glad I was taught those basic green principles at an early age. 

The other side is purple. I hate them. They are the ones devising how to censor this post right now; blocking traffic and search results. It is what they do. They do not fight fair. I am not sure how one becomes purple other than from being exposed to their vast propaganda early in development. Purple lies plague everything: TV shows, movies, books. They try to make it seem like they are human beings just like you and me, but this is not true. How do I know? Just look at them. The enemy never stops fighting and neither shall we. Down with purple, up with green!

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says, “I’m a mean green.” That way anybody driving behind me knows where I stand on the issues and who I voted for. I feel I have to make it known. It would be one thing if you could tell a green by how we look. That is simply not the case. Greens come in all shapes, sizes and colors. I have a bumper sticker so everyone will know: this is a green guy driving that does not fall for any of that purple phony baloney. 

Some people do not care about being green or purple. Those are the only two choices that matter. Pick one or be on the side of the enemy by default, I say. I do not know how anyone can go about their lives without caring about what this guy said or what bills are up for a vote or who wants to do this or that. How will they ever know when to be mad? Willful ignorance plagues this country. You can see these people in the park gallivanting around awash in stupidity. They look happy but I know they are really miserable. They do not know the pleasure of yelling at the television set when the green networks have a purple guy on to argue his “side.” At least the green networks have purple guys on. The purple networks never have any of our guys on because they would rather pretend that we do not exist. I wrote a letter to my cable provider explaining why I refuse to watch any of the purple networks and asking them if they would delete those networks from my TV package. Of course they refused because they are an arm of the purple machine. Purple propaganda is relentless. I do my best to ignore it, shutting off anything as soon as I feel a slight disagreement with whatever it is. I do not care if it is a commercial for dish soap (they hide their lies in commercials all the time). Without the green networks, we would be doomed to the purple darkness.   

A few years ago it was announced that they were going to make my favorite book into a movie. I was so excited to finally be able to see that story come to life. Then I learned that the lead actor in the movie was a guy who was heavily involved in the purple movement. He raises money for purple politicians and believes in stupid purple programs. The film came out last week and I refused to go see it. I wrote a letter to the movie studio explaining to them that as long as they employ people with such terrible ideas, they will not be receiving my $8.50. Choke on that! The film was a flop, I think. 

Despite their best efforts, we are winning the war. Our current leader is a green guy. Oh how they are pissed off about him. I was pretty pissed about the last guy who was purple. He was an absolute fool. They hung on his every word and credited him with accomplishments that he had no hand in. And if anyone made a joke about the guy, an online mob came after them. It was a terrible time in this country. Well, it’s our turn now. This new guy is our savior. He pretty much does the same things their guy did, but he does them so much better. Every late-night monologue now is full of jokes about our guy so I do not watch any of those shows anymore. I have a big chalk board in my house where I write down all the things I am not watching because they are full of purple propaganda. It is a long list that is hard to keep track of- let me tell you. 

The NBA playoffs are going on as I write this. I heard a soundbite of one of the coaches spouting some purple garbage. I said, “Hey man, stick to basketball,” right to the television set. Actually, I didn’t see him say it live because who watches NBA coach interviews? No, they told me about it on the green networks. I am so thankful for them, otherwise I would have had no idea that this coach was a purple looney. It is too bad to because I love basketball. I wrote a letter to the commissioner of the NBA explaining to him why he should keep a better lid on his employees’ mouths. You better believe if that coach was supporting green ideas, they would have come down on him like a ton of bricks. I told the commissioner as much in my letter. I also told him that because of that soundbite, I will not be watching this years tournament. I am sure that the ratings are in the tank.

People ask me all the time what supporting green has done for me in my life. I always counter with the question, “What has supporting purple done for you in your life?” They never can provide a sufficient answer. That is what purple people do; they use twisted psychology in an attempt to get you to talk badly about being green. We use facts to make our points, not fluff or woo. The war against them never ends and you cannot let your guard down once. You cannot give in to their manipulations. That is why you have to surround yourself with like minded, well, everything, or else you could risk being influenced by their propaganda without even knowing it. They never listen to us so why should we ever listen to them?

I met a girl a few months ago. She was gorgeous. I could not believe she was interested in me. We hit it off in the line at the grocery store and I asked her out to dinner. Dinner was simply riveting. She was interesting and we had a real connection. She told me she spent her childhood traveling around the world on a private jet because her father is some wealthy hedge fund guy. How exciting that must have been. After dinner she somehow talked me into going dancing. I do not dance and I was surprised when I agreed to go. We danced until the bar closed. Then she invited me back to her place for a nightcap and a piece of homemade apple pie. She cooks. I could barely contain my excitement and accepted. Unfortunately, back at her place (a 3,000 square foot penthouse apartment), I noticed the back of her laptop. It was covered in purple stickers (I do not know how you write the frowny-face emoji so imagine that here). She put a slice of apple pie down in front of me with a scoop of ice cream and I picked it up and mushed it right into her dumb face. You should have seen the way she looked when I said, “I’m green all the way, baby” and left.

Recently I had a lawyer draw up my will. All my money will be bequeathed to the green party upon the day of my death. No relatives will receive a penny. I shall be interred in a marble coffin, dyed green. That way if they dig me up in a thousand years, there will be no question as to where I stood when I was alive. I will be a green monument under the dirt for as long as the earth spins on its axis. I do not wish to be anything else.

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