Christmas Party Survival Guide

Christmas party season means only one thing: it’s time to suck in that gut and test the strength of the button on those green corduroy slacks for one more year. People have mixed feelings about Christmas parties. Whether you love them or hate them, these tips will ensure you make it out alive.

What are you doing?

Ahh, the eternal question people ask you every year. What are you doing with yourself these days? Of course, if we had any sort of relationship throughout the year you should know, but since we only see each other at these parties, this question is a good icebreaker. Make sure you are armed with appropriate responses that don’t require follow up questions like, “I opened a Mormon Tabernacle choir for cats,” or, “I interpret subliminal messages printed in the opinion section of the New York Times.” Answer like this and people will be excusing themselves to refill on wassail faster than you can explain how you get the cats to sing. People don’t ask you this question because they care, they ask you this in order to see how the people in their sorry ass lives measure up to you. This year is going to be particularly fun for me because I’m unemployed and writing this blog. Most people don’t know about blogging so I will be able to fill the BS meter to capacity. My point here is not to make light of unemployment because millions of people are suffering in this country; but maybe you can brighten your day by making up some absurd answer to this question and watch people’s reaction?

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The Holiday Stupids

The “Holiday Stupids” are the people and things that I like to mock during this otherwise wonderful time of year. I do love the holidays, but they also bring forth a certain type of imbecile that can’t help but to inject themselves into our happy holiday celebrations. I’d like to describe some of these people for you in an effort to expose their atrocities and end their reign of terror.

Dos and Don’ts

Throughout the Internet, annoying posters are writing “Dos and Don’ts” lists for various holiday traditions like office parties and gift giving. If Mork popped out of his intergalactic egg just in time for his first Christmas, then he may need these lists but the rest of us could do without. (The word “dos” doesn’t need an apostrophe by the way; most of these idiot authors make that mistake) They include things like, “don’t drink too much” and “don’t sexually harass your co-workers.” So you’re saying the drunken make out session on the copier is out, Copernicus? The people I feel sorry for are the poor saps writing this filth. They are probably some repressed HR director who think us dumb-ass sheep need these reminders. Hey, Biff, have a drink and lighten up.

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When Black Friday Comes

When Black Friday comes

I’m gonna dig myself a hole

Gonna lay down in it ‘til

I satisfy my soul

-Steely Dan, “Black Friday.”

I love Black Friday. Not because I participate but because of the discourse it provokes. Google “hate Black Friday” and you will see scores of the self-righteous exclaiming in very cliché fashions why the day and those who engage in it are horrible. Google “love Black Friday” and you will see studies done by academics on the psychological reasons we can’t help but flood Wal-mart at 5 AM in order to save some money on socks. Really? Can’t we just shop without being analyzed?  Then there are the people in the middle of it all; the 247 million “shoppers” who participated in Black Friday weekend in 2012. That number kind of makes me think that everyone else needs to shut up. Continue reading