A growing obsession overlooked by the mainstream is plaguing suburbia at an alarming rate: knitting. I guess it begins harmlessly enough, darning a sock when nobody’s there like Eleanor Rigby. But then it grows into a debilitating illness. Take for instance Deloris Clark. She’s 52 and her cats have a bigger wardrobe than most American children. Or take Norris Berkowitz who is allergic to wool but can’t stop knitting. His hands and face swell up every day beyond the point of recognition. These are just a few of the stories I uncovered as I delved deeper into the corrosive world that is knitting. It’s not just for your Granny anymore.
There is a certain etiquette that I believe has been lost in today’s gambling culture that I would like to restore. If you don’t like gambling or casinos then this article is not for you. Gambling is a personal decision and you won’t be judged here if you decide to quit reading. I happen to like gambling and these are a few observations on how I believe people should act while in a casino.
It’s not your living room so dress accordingly
Gone are the days when men wore suits and ladies wore evening dresses in casinos. Thank goodness. I’m not going to that extreme because that seems like a waste of effort to me. But pajamas and sweat pants tell me that you have simply given up on life. They have already invaded our airports; must they poison our casinos too? I’m not asking for much here, just more than half a shirt with sleeves for the men and something that covers your beer gut for the women. I don’t want to have to look at your sagging butt while I lose my shirt at the tables. Sorry, that was horrible. Continue reading “A Gentleman’s Guide to Casino Gambling”
As we enter the dog days of winter I thought I’d provide you with some ways to avoid getting sick. Now, if you are one of these liars who “don’t ever get sick,” stop reading and go fiddle around with some exposed electrical wires. I hope this list helps the rest of you normal people.
Stay away from children
Children have no respect for personal hygiene or contagious diseases, especially babies. Don’t let their cuteness fool you; they expel hazardous material at all times. If you have children, this is going to be hard for you, but I would wrap them in plastic wrap until the spring. Just make sure they can breathe. I know I used to be one of these things and I probably spread my fair share of disease but that doesn’t mean I can’t avoid them now that I’m a mildly intelligent adult.