Humor

Someone Stole My Change

brokeI’ve been robbed. Recently, I have had some work done on my house while I was out of town. They stole $130 worth of nickels, dimes and quarters off of my desk. That number is an estimate because, while most of the change was meticulously rolled by hand, they also picked all the quarters and dimes out of my change dish. Now, I know you are asking yourself what kind of a dumb ass leaves cash out in the open when they are out of town knowing strangers will be in their house? This one. In my defense they were under a lot of papers so I didn’t think of hiding them before I left. What makes it worse is that I rolled them myself to avoid the fee at the Coinstar kiosk. So now I’m cheap and screwed. Continue reading “Someone Stole My Change”

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Humor

Paradise Frozen

It was so cold today in Charleston, SC, that I saw a squirrel in Marion Square

warming his nuts. –(modified) David Letterman

Yes, I think I survived the great winter storm of 2014. Happily, it wasn’t much of anything because it doesn’t really snow here. I researched average snowfall for Charleston and it was so tiny that most charts had it at zero every year for the last hundred years. I have seen it snow three times in my eight years here and each time the snow barely stuck and was gone within 24 hours. Last night was different because we had freezing rain for the most part so there is ice stuck to power lines and trees. I know it was freezing rain because the boob on the news explained what freezing rain was about twenty times last night. I have sent him a gift basket full of Drain-o to gargle and Anthrax. Continue reading “Paradise Frozen”

Classical Music, Humor

Let Classical Music Die Already, Part 2

vivaldi-2Two months ago, I wrote the most read and discussed piece on Covered in Beer. Never did I think that my rather basic opinions of a generalized category of music would cause so much discussion. Some people really didn’t read past the title but decided to call me an idiot in the comments anyway. Most, thankfully, read the piece and then engaged in a discussion. Whether they agreed or not, I appreciate their (and your) views on anything I write because the point is to generate debate. “Let Classical Music Die Already” certainly did that.

(Read the original piece, “Let Classical Music Die Already,” here)

Continue reading “Let Classical Music Die Already, Part 2”

Humor

A Gentleman’s Guide to Casino Gambling

vegas_vacation_va_WTetBa_PosterThere is a certain etiquette that I believe has been lost in today’s gambling culture that I would like to restore. If you don’t like gambling or casinos then this article is not for you. Gambling is a personal decision and you won’t be judged here if you decide to quit reading. I happen to like gambling and these are a few observations on how I believe people should act while in a casino.

It’s not your living room so dress accordingly

Gone are the days when men wore suits and ladies wore evening dresses in casinos. Thank goodness. I’m not going to that extreme because that seems like a waste of effort to me. But pajamas and sweat pants tell me that you have simply given up on life. They have already invaded our airports; must they poison our casinos too? I’m not asking for much here, just more than half a shirt with sleeves for the men and something that covers your beer gut for the women. I don’t want to have to look at your sagging butt while I lose my shirt at the tables. Sorry, that was horrible. Continue reading “A Gentleman’s Guide to Casino Gambling”

Humor

How Not to Get Sick

As we enter the dog days of winter I thought I’d provide you with some ways to avoid getting sick. Now, if you are one of these liars who “don’t ever get sick,” stop reading and go fiddle around with some exposed electrical wires. I hope this list helps the rest of you normal people.

Stay away from children

Children have no respect for personal hygiene or contagious diseases, especially babies. Don’t let their cuteness fool you; they expel hazardous material at all times. If you have children, this is going to be hard for you, but I would wrap them in plastic wrap until the spring. Just make sure they can breathe. I know I used to be one of these things and I probably spread my fair share of disease but that doesn’t mean I can’t avoid them now that I’m a mildly intelligent adult.

Continue reading “How Not to Get Sick”

Humor

New Year Resolutions

images-3While most of you are going to pledge to quit smoking (already did) or lose some weight (I’m fat because I quit smoking), I decided to do it differently in 2014 and resolve to accomplish things that I actually might stick to past February. My first one is in the title. I think saying “New Year’s” resolutions is incorrect because they are mine, not the year’s. How could a year resolve to do anything? If I’m incorrect, I don’t care (that’s my second resolution). Anyway, if you like any of these then let’s pledge to do them together.

Continue reading “New Year Resolutions”